I think these are also some of the very few pictures we have that Rye wasn't wearing some type of hockey insignia! This is actually a football on his shirt! Can you believe it? Such a cute boy.
The whole month seems to scream his name, all day every day. Each day brings some reminder of him. Not that every day doesn't already but in February, the birthday month it seems to take on more significance. It Is February. That special month when my first born was born. The month that MADE me a mother.
I try to make every day mean something, and make myself listen to each question asked and try not to say something wrong with each "How are you". I answer mostly "I am well" - meaning I am healthy, not that I am ok. I am not ok. It. Never. Ends. I try to be the supermom, super-wife, superwoman, super-secretary that everyone seems to want to see. They want to SEE that I am ok. They want to hear that all is well and sunshine and roses. Yesterday my good thing was that I didn't drive into oncoming traffic. I was pretty proud of that. Didn't need pockets even! I know I'm not supposed to say that out loud or write it even! There are a lot of things that loss mothers think and know and feel, but never say out loud or act upon. All that the other people in the room know is that we showed up at work or wherever we were supposed to. Maybe even on time! I will continue to march through, just as I have done for three birthdays now. Wearing these too small/too big/ill fitting, uncomfortable shoes and walking that mile that feels like ten every day. What I really want to do is lay down and be still like a vegetable. Lately I have mostly been eating my feelings!~ It's a real thing! It lets you feel like you have filled that empty space for a few moments, and to keep the screaming from coming out, at least until you can retreat to the car and pretend you are listening to "screamo" music. Trying to make it through my march to March - the second month that MADE me a mother! The month that is still ok and when we will be able to truly "Celebrate" a birthday. Someday maybe we will be able to celebrate Rye's birthday again, but not yet. I don't know why this is white for the background - it won't let me change it! Wtf?
I have been reading more lately. I find that I really need the quiet of reading in order to counteract the loud of everyday that is my screaming life. One of the things I have been reading is "A Bed For My Heart" by Angela Miller. She is also a loss mother and she "gets" me! She "gets" us! She has walked the one mile ten, in my shoes and carrying an angel child. I cry every time I read any of her material - and you will too when you read it - this woman writes her pain the same as I do and tries to slay the demons that threaten to steal us away from this life with the tidal wave of pain engulfing our whole being. Read one of my favorite essays by Angela Miller, "Let Me Tell You Who I Am Now".
Rye with Aunt Shannon and Chance
I also know why it is called "A Bed For My Heart". I have talked before about being tired to my soul, and I still am. My soul and my heart are tired all the time and it is exhausting to try to keep up the face that we put on every day. To try to care about things that don't really matter, but because they matter so much to others we try really hard to relate, care and communicate. Our hearts need a place to rest, and there is none to be found.
Some things (like silly issues that people think up to be mad about) make me laugh out loud for real, which is often surprising and inappropriate to the other people in the room, but if they knew what this loss felt like their issues would be so small, and they would laugh too at the silliness of it all. In two years they won't even remember what they were salty about.
I have also had to remind myself this month that "I am a nice lady", and being angry at stupid doesn't help any of us - including me! Some of the kids have even heard me whisper "I am a nice lady"! I'm sure it was weird for them, but it has to be said out loud sometimes. The panic attacks have increased as well and I hate the parents who don't take care of or protect their kids.
I miss Reed and Riley more this month also. They have moved into their own place. Read about it HERE. It is hard not to call him and have him come home - so hard. I remember when I was just moved into my own house, my mother calling me and asking "why don't you just come stay at home tonight?" and I replied "I AM home Mom!". I learned that another mothers child had died, so my mother wanted me to be home safe and sound and where she could see me, talk to me, and hear me breathing. I get it now Mom. Sadly, I get it.
We three can sometimes smile, and the "bird" will probably make us laugh forever! I am still a hesitant "bird flipper" for pictures, and Hubby didn't see the camera or he would have not been smiling or he would have turned away. Thanks Riley for the great pictures! Smiling!
I know February is the month of love, and of flowers and "junk" as the boys used to say - but at the school it is just Halloween on Hormones, (lots of crying), and for me it is just hard. I will march on.
Blessed be.
