Reflections on the Third Year - Stories of Rye

I have had a number of epiphany this past few months, during this third year of our journey without Rye, and reading some of the other parents emotions in regards to their childs death  has given me solace, but not peace, knowing that we are not alone in our feelings...

Getting through another Mothers Day, and Memorial Day, Birthday, Christmas and, and, and...insert every holiday here..... those days are as hard as any bad days I have lived before in my life all put together. They don't come close to the loss day...

Rye doing tie dye shirt making with his friend Sarah Belle. Around 2010-2011. 

This year we have been a little better about telling the stories of Rye and us.  A little easier maybe to say his name without the hitch in our breath and the stab in our hearts.  Or maybe we are getting used to that feeling.  Telling the stories and saying his name help us to keep him alive in our lives, and in others lives.  Remembered.....

Some of the stories we can only guess at.  Like.....

and

No idea what this is about!  Its awesome though!

Some of the stories our hearts will never forget, no matter if there are pictures or not.

Some stories we have pictures for and they are beautiful.

Rye and Reed with the first fish caught at our Big Lake house - 2005.

The pain stays- no matter what else is going on - it stays and it is exhausting.  Sometimes I sleep, but it is not a restful sleep, it is filled with nightmares about what could happen, might happen, has happened, and terror.  Nightmares about my kid, my family, other peoples kids and families.  Waking up from terror and imagining that it has all just been a terrible dream, and then realizing that it has been real and terrible and not just a dream.  Sometimes I am so tired of fighting the pain that it bleeds through to my every day and leaks out of my eyes and down my face, Im not bawling - but the tears are streaming.  If you ask me why I will not be able to give a solid reason.  It is exhausting to fight the pain all day every day, and some days I cannot do it and I have to stay home and hide in my house and wait it out in the silence, crying and trying to find a way through it.

Reed and Riley miss him terribly as well.  We all have "pause" moments where we wish Rye were with us in that moment.  Riley says "I wish Rye were here"  and I usually say "Man, Rye would LOVE this"!  And then we march on. With him with us through each day. 

Here is Riley's post from this Anniversary of Rye's passing;  August 28.

This year seems harder than the others. So many big things have happened for us, & while they bring a lot of happiness to our home, they also bring some teary eyes & heartache. So often I find myself just pausing in the moment & thinking, “man, I wish Rye was here.” Usually when I get to watch Reed accomplish new things, or when he is trying to navigate whatever life throws at him. Other times, like when Mardee randomly pipes up from the passenger seat in an otherwise quiet car ride & says “I wish I could’ve met Rye.” The beauty in that last part is that his stories are being told, & his presence is still so great that those who did not know him are remembering him right along with us. Tomorrow marks three years too long of you being gone, & we miss you more than ever.. I hope that Heaven is everything you’ve ever longed for. 💛

It could not have been said any better or more beautifully.  She is right.  It has seemed hard again this year.  Each year I think it will get easier - it never does.

Sometimes I have to say to myself that "I am a nice lady" and "I can get through this day".  Others will tell us to "have a good cry - sometimes you just need a good cry" which is true but most of the loss mothers I know cry every day- we dont have "good cries", it is a continuation of what started the moment that our child drew their last breath.

(photo credit Ron Nichol Photography)

The headaches continue, but I did recently find out that I have a torn ligament in my neck which may be a contributing factor to the incessant headaches.  Yes I have started doing "self care" again and I have been to check ups, got my teeth cleaned and, obviously, to the chiropractor!  He did ask why I waited so long to go?  DUH!  I only went because it was interferring with every aspect of my life now from working and gardening (OMG), to sewing (OMFG) and even reading and sleeping (lol)!  I had one night where my phone thingy sleep/health app said I only slept 1 hour and 12 minutes - and I had to work the next day.  Im no spring chicken and I need a bit more sleep than that to get through a day - just saying!  And I didn't go sooner because I still thought it was a greif and stress thing, not a real broken neck kind of thing, and also because I was imagining something much more horrible than a torn ligament (which is not great either I know but it ain't cancer or degenerative bone or ....) and I didn't want to deal with any more horrible than I already do all day! So once I'm through the treatment for this I will see if the headaches lessen - I hope I hope.

21st birthday fun!  There were some stories that night! Although sometimes I feel like he is looking right into my soul in this picture when I look at it.  Those eyes.

We have had some good things this year as well - the kids got their own place (Reed and Riley and OK that may or may not be a "good thing" for me- its a good thing for them though), we did some travelling and some fun stuff together (made some new stories) that we all actually remember!  I have been trying to post more of them than of the sad but I think its still out of whack - same as the rest of my life.  We still struggle to let the joy out - unsure if we are allowed to feel that at the same time as we have this unimaginable pain.

We went to Vegas and Riley went too!  She took this picture. Bowling - Rye loved bowling!  This one time in Wasilla, Uncle Tylers car caught on fire while we were bowling!  Stories....

We went to the shark exhibit at the Bellagio - it was amazing and such a great thing to do with family!  Reed and Riley in front of the walk through shark tunnel.

We got to have birthdays with both of the kids too - this is Reed presenting Riley with her new Purple Kayak that matches her new Purple Extra Tough Boots!  Stories.....

I went to a couple of weddings - those are still excruciating - and a few of Rye's friends have had children of their own - that is both another joy and sorrow.  I am so happy for the kids, really , truly, but it represents a second level of loss for us - grandchildren that we should have had, could have had, might have had.  Those loss reminders of who Rye would have been now, and what he would be doing, where he would go, and so on.  Missing him in every aspect of our lives, even the future.



Our family arent the only ones who have felt his great loss either.  I have made some new connections with people who only knew Rye (not Chad or I) and who have approached me when they found out I'm Rye's mom, to tell me how amazing he was in their lives and what a difference he made to them and still does.  One of his friends told me he was "the absolute nicest guy I ever met"!  He would give you whatever he had that you needed without a second thought and he apparently made many a Midnight Rescue Mission for friends, or friends of friends - stories.....



It has been made very clear that Rye was one of the "helper people" that you hear about sometimes.  I like to think he is still doing that from his place now in the universe, helping us get through.

I hope we never run out of stories for Rye and about Rye.  I hope you all make great memories with your families and tell the stories of lost loved ones with them.  Share those precious stories with them - even if you don't have pictures to go with them.  Blessed be x year three.  We march on towards four.

Blessed be in all things.

The Wonderful things that kids can do! A Houston School Garden post.

This has been an amazing year in the garden at the school!  With the coming together of the Middle and the High Schools into one big Community, we have been able to muster help from all age groups out to the garden this summer and get stuff done!  We have needed the extra hands this summer as I have torn a ligament in my neck so am needing to take easier days, and extra precaution to not further injure the darn thing!

We have had a couple of times this summer where13+ people showed up!  It was EPIC!

The McRoberts Clan (my cousin Alicia above) brought their whole family plus extras and they know how to work!

When the portable classrooms were brought to the school after the earthquake November 30th, it was the middle of winter and the contractors and staff had to get stuff done and get some walkways and stairs and porches built on the short!  So this summer they had to tear off some of that work so they could rearrange the portables and fit more in and so they could level them and make our evacuations more safe for us and the kids.

It ended up being a boon for the garden expansion plans as some of the materials they tore off they were not able to re-use for the portable project and instead of trashing them, they dropped them in the garden for us to use!

We were able to build 4 more raised beds, and we have the materials set aside for at least three more that will be 12" deep!

Above shows one of the new beds being put into position and the other filled and ready to go for next year!  We are hoping to get some good composted soil to do some soil amendment in the garden as well.  Stay tuned for that!

Watering has always been an issue in the garden as the hose bib is 400' away from the garden and it takes a special key to get the water turned on!  So we would fill any ole bin we could with water while we had the hose out so that others could water if they were on site and not have to have the water key.  It also has not been helpful that Alaska has had a real drought year this summer.  We have had temperatures in the 90's on multiple days in a row here in Big Lake, and we started working in the garden only until about 1:00 pm due to the heat and the danger for us and the kids!  We are not used to the heat and our plants arent either!

Buckets, bushels, and garbage cans work well to hold extra water for the project!  I was also bringing water from home in 5 gallon containers so that I didn't have to yard out that darn heavy 450' hose every time.  My neck couldn't take it!

Fortunately, we are blessed with some awesome community members who donated this gardening wetering system for us!  The Bredbergs donated it, brought it over and set it up for us IN the garden!  So there is no garden space now that is more than about 100' from the water source!

It is a gravity fed, no electric and no key required system!  It can hold upwards of 500 gallons of water, and we can have two hoses going at a time!  It is a work in progress and as of this writing we are waiting for some parts so we can use both sides, but one side is full and accessible for watering!  Such a relief! 

We had a garden full of wonders this year - 4 types of potato;  purple viking, daisy gold, magic myrna, and one other variety whose name escapes me right now - they are labelled in the garden however!

Above are the Magic Myrna's - they have a beautiful light purple flower on them!  

The strawberry patch did wonderfully at the beginning of the summer and we got a few quarts of berries.  Once the heat really kicked in and we went 44 days with no rain, and we weren't able to keep up watering everything everywhere they have tapered off.  We are still getting a few on the patch but we could really use a good rain!

Some of the folks weeding the potatoes above and below taking weeds to the exit pile - as in exit out of the garden!

Below - a couple of the football players who came with Mr Hughes to the garden party below, weeding some raspberry hills.

And yes....we have a nice old dog who comes too sometimes!

You can see above that we still have a bit of shade in the garden for this photo of most of the work crew for this day!  Temperature in Big Lake ended up being 98* that day - thankfully after we were done in the garden!

Above - our first little cucumber from the garden!  Even though the wind blew and the conditions were dry, dry, dry, this little plant produced!

Here are some cole crops with a tomato thrown in for good measure!  This is one of the raised beds that was built last year and we have a little bit of everything in it.  In our tires this year we have tomatoes and an assortment of herbs.

Here are our tiny squash plants!  We have one Grey Griller and one Zuchinni - Black Beauty here and since this picture was taken we have gotten one squash from each plant!  These are in an area that gets the heat all day and dries out really fast.  We have not been able to keep enough water on them this year, but its been better since the water system was added and we are hopeful that we will get some more produce off them!

We have some other tomatoes that are producing a ton of tomatoes on them - especially a Bush Early Girl that has about 10 pounds of tomatoes on it!  Stay tuned for pictures of those and for our great potato harvest coming soon!

I hope no matter what your temperature or how many hands you have joining you that you have a garden worth crowing about!