Dirty Thirty and How do I honor your day?

 30 years today at 8:34 pm you came into the world and blessed us with your light and love!  30 years.....

We were forever changed from the moment you made your entrance, 7 weeks early and looking around like you already knew where you were - and no crying!  I don't feel old enough to have had a 30 year old!  I think all parents feel that way though.

Today is not what I ever imagined it would be for your "dirty thirty" birthday.....not in a million years, much less thirty.  I had imagined a birthday that made the milestone look amazing - grandkids - at least one or two and you with a beautiful life in the making, maybe a house, definitely a car or a hockey dad van even.  Dead and gone was never in the pictures in my mind.

Rye, Zach, and Shelby at the Bowling Alley -Wasilla.  Why is Zach wearing a helmet?  No Idea!

I thought about what we would be doing for your birthday today if you were here with us?  What might that look like?  Would we be bowling?  Or would we recreate the Chepos birthday of you at 21 with family?

Always the "Rye Sign"  Not sure what that is on your head but that was a fun birthday!  It was the last one we got to have a outside party for I think - this was 21!  Milestone of them all!  Look how little the boys look - and they were still pretty little - this was 9 years ago.

This is 21 with your friends!  Remember that "mat shot"?  "Ugh - Woah"! This night is the creation of the only video I have of your voice and you are saying "Yeah!  You're an Asshole!"  I laugh and cry!

I have tried to "get better" about this and to do things that I think would honor you for your birthday.  It is so, so , so hard to find things that "honor you big", or that even honor you on what I feel is a level that you deserve on the big "milestone days" like thirtieth birthday.  Not sure why this is a milestone birthday , but it sure feels like it is to me!  I see other loss mothers doing big things in their childrens names.  I try - but I am not there yet.  We aren't supposed to "compare our greif" as loss mothers either but sometimes I do - Why are they able to do the "big" things that I am still struggling with?  I am still on "baby steps" right now - so that is what I will do.

This past weekend was Pond Hockey and your brother and friends played as usual.  I wanted to be there but had the darn barfer flu so had to stay home and look at pictures and videos sent by Reed and Key.  It was a great way to honor you I thought, and I so wished you had been here to play too - I know you were watching though!  The sun was beautiful and Reed and the boys were awesome as usual!

Today.....I am writing, and getting out some of the stuff in my head that is important and that I might forget if I don't.  I have started the book.....

I am burning the "Keep Fucking Going" candle with your middle finger in mind to make the rooms smell like delicious sugar cookies and you! So I will know by that smell that I can keep going even if just baby steps!

I very much miss the "birth minute kiss" that I used to have to chase you around and around to give you - it was part of the fun.  Sometimes I didnt catch you!

I went outside very early this morning and I got some pictures of the Aurora Borealis, it always reminds me of you "Look at the lights Mama! Look at the lights!"  It seems like you are saying hello on the coldest of nights and I feel like the lights are touching the earth where I stand.  I can dream...

This picture was taken by Keyona.  Mine always have my breath throught them, or I end up taking the camera down too fast before the thing adjusts to actually take the picture!  I got three pictures of the front of Dads truck! Ack!

These are my shots!  The lights were very beautiful and Im glad I got to be awake to see them even if I cant take an Aurora picture very well!  Always have that cloud - and Yes!  I cleaned off the camera lenses beforehand!  

I still see you everywhere - driving the jacked up trucks with the loud exhaust and the windows you can just barely see into.  Wearing the hardhat and Hi Viz vest/Hoodie walking away or working on a job site.... it always takes my breath away.  Still.  

I will continue to do the baby steps, and the background work, and be a "force for good" in the world as part of my honoring of the moment, 30 years ago today, when I became the best thing I will ever be I think.  A mother.  

Blessed be to all the Mothers who are trying to be "forces for good" on behalf of their Angel Children.  My heart hears your heart and we see you!

Cake.....Because F&*K Snow!!!

UGHHHHHHH......  We had a great Superbowl day - none of us cared who won and we really were just watching for the Ads!  My favorite was the one with the flag football player!  But....... 

It snowed all day!  And most of the night!  And it got deeper and deeper and our road got down to only one lane and hasn't been plowed still 24 hours later!

See the above photo?  Notice anything missing?  Yes!!!  The LOVE sign is gone!  No idea where it went!  It went missing in the last storm when the wind blew so foul and fierce that you couldn't breathe when you went outside!  It better be somewhere out there with the rooster that you aso can't see!  Because.... SNOW!

This is after about the fourth time we started sweeping off the truck!  Even the snow plow guy couldn't get in today!   This morning I texted my people at the school and said "UGHHHHH ......Slow moving team today!"  Meaning I was having trouble getting started with the day and might be a few minutes late (which I was not - to be clear)!  They responded with "Just be safe the roads are S*&T!"

Once at work getting fired up for the day, and mostly saying on the phone "Yes Virginia! There IS school today!", a co-worker brought in a pate with a lovely cake on it - already sliced and ready to go in our bellies!  She had a little card on it - as she always does when she brings in treats, in case there are allergies or just flavors that arent preferred.  She is an amazing baker!  I would marry her tomorrow just for her cooking!  I glanced at the card, but didnt read all the way to the bottom until a little later in the day......

The card says "Biscotti Pound Cake - Because F*&K Snow!"

May you be blessed with funny coworkers and amazing bakers on the days when you are a slow moving team, and know that you are not alone in your feelings about the newest round of snow!

Be amazing and Blessed Be!

Ringing in the New Year!

Well - its been a few minutes again since I posted!  Lots going on and I seem to spend a lot of time cleaning up messes.....

That these guys and their dad make!!

And Shoveling snow....

That keeps coming down!  We are at about 5 feet now that it has snowed, but it did rain about a week ago so that settled it down a bit to about 4.5'!  Just a bit.....

We have started into the 7th year without Rye now and it has always been a little (or a lot) difficult to ring in the New Year and do what feels like leaving him a little further behind.....even though he really has gone on ahead! 

I did some christmas cards and a short letter that felt a little stilted but was a start, and didn't leave me feeling like I was completely drained.  If you didnt get one - sorry - maybe next year -if you did get one you are a lucky one! I didn't start it until about the day before Christmas though.  Its a small step in the direction I need to go I think.  It has not got any easier exactly, but we are learning to navigate the seasons a little better now, and to do what we need to do so others don't have such a hard time, maybe....

It was fun doing Christmas all over the place!  It was a bit exhausting but still good to start to have good feelings about the "season" again, and not so much dread.  I think Reed and Keyona ended up with about 6 different Christmas stops they needed to make!  Everyone needs a turn!

Kids and families came over for New Years, and we had food, friends, family and fireworks!  It was an amazing show and the fireworks from everyone all around us and on neighboring lakes was amazing!  It was like being in the center of a fireworks extravaganza!  Everywhere we looked we could see the joy of people ringing in the new year! 

 I actually stayed up literally all night!  Our last guests left at 5:00 am!  It's very unusual for me to not crash at about midnight!  I don't necessarily sleep well, but Im sleeping in short bursts.  Overall since the sinus surgery I am getting about 2.5 hours longer sleep, and higher quality sleep though so that is another baby step in the right direction.I had the sinus surgery (read about that here) in November and my nose is not only sensitive to cold - as I was warned it would be, but I discovered also to smoke!  I stayed in most of the night and visited with the insiders and watched fireworks from the porch with the Grammas.

Quilting is fun for me again and not just a way to save my own life - as it has been for the past years since.  I have recently started - joined a murder mystery that the clues are in the quilt.  Murder of the Viking.  Each month, we get a chapter of a book, a quilt  block(s) pattern, and some special directions.  It has been super fun so far even though I have only done one month!  This first month has been a doozy for difficulty!  If they are all this time consuming I probably wont stay up with the group!  I will try however!  I am currently working on blocks and writing in the same space at the same time!  Multi taskers are us!

It is also a funny challenge mystery since I have always said that I won't work with pieces less than 1.5" square!  Thats my smallest! Not doing anything smaller!!!  Annnnnnddddd........ some of the pieces in these blocks are 1" square or 1" strips!  Im good with the strips, but those tiny, tiny squares!  Ugh!  Changed my mind once the blocks started going together because I have fallen in love with it but...the dread was real to start with!

First set of "Murder of the Viking" blocks.  I have no idea what the clue is in these blocks!  Ill let you know if I figure it out!  I am also working on another mystery quilt that should be a short piece of work, as well as a couple of baby quilts.....and really about 20 quilts at a time!

Baby quilt with turtles on it!  I have been obsessed with teal, blue, green, and turtles lately!

I have also started to do some of the Home repair and upkeep that we have been putting off or just not doing at all!

My new lampshades - the old ones had been cracked and broken in the earthquake about 5 years ago - I had not been able to find anything that I liked to replace them so we had turned the cracked part towards the wall until the day came when finally something worked with our decor (the whole living area has the same light fixture designs)....Thank goodness!

This is one of the old ones - Im not sure they will even be good for anything upcycle - but you know Ill give it a good gosh darn try!  They made it 18 years and so I think thats not a bad return on investment so to speak!  The new ones are metal and so should last through almost anything that get thrown at them - even by Ike or an earthquake!

"Who?  Me?  I think not!"

I hope that no matter how your Holiday Season went, the ups and downs that always seem to go with that time of the year, that you are able to see the joy in the fireworks, the growing light, a full moon, or just a happy new set of lamp shades that an Ike and a Brix, can't eat!

Blessed Be 2023