7 years too long

 This will be a shorter post than my usual annual loss post as I am still dealing with the surgery healing and the recovery from the carpal and Cubital elbow.  We March!

It has been 7 years now that you are gone.  7 long and difficult years.  2,555 days.  So many people in our lives now have never met you - dont know your sweet smile and sense of humor.  How absolutely huge you were in size and energy and presence - and love.  They have no idea how large a gaping hole you have left in our lives and the lives of everyone who did know you.  They have no idea how hard it is to get through each day with this wound in our hearts and souls.

I have had people who have not experienced this type of loss say to me (and other loss parents), "A wound will not heal if you keep reopening it!",  but this wound will not heal anyway.  It NEVER goes away.

I have had people say - "Man, I worked with that guy a lot, and spent a lot of time with him."  Those statements always make me smile for a couple of reasons, because they are always said with reverence and love for you, and also because my first thought is always "I gave birth to him!"  My soul cradled his soul inside me and I KNEW him and LOVED him long before he was born!  

Both my boys knew our voices the instant they were born - including their dads, and even though Rye was 7 weeks early he looked right at his dad whenever he would talk.  Read the books and talk to them - they will know you when they are born.

Then there are the loss days like today, where it feels like everyone should remember what happened and that you are gone, but they don't and they probably shouldnt even, at least most of them, but it feels to your family as though you never existed for anyone but us - we scramble and scratch and crawl out of the black hole that is your death and try to make sure you are remembered with as much love as we still have for you - that part never goes away either - EVER - and I am thankful for that -the love stays.

Most of your clothes are gone now, except for a few things that I cannot let go of yet, and things from your rooms - even after death you have continued to be a giver.  So many kids have had benefit of your clothes and really your "style" -it seems that that is timeless also. We have family who look just like you and even right down to the "Rye Sign", and in that is also memories of you that are never forgotten even in the every day that is our lives.  For that, I am also thankful.

It is still so strange to have new pictures and never see you in them.  I look for you everywhere, all the time - sometimes I catch a fleeting glimpse of you - in a hi-viz construction zone or in a jacked up pickup truck with the tinted windows that I can't quite see into.... groups of hockey players-turned softball players where you would be if you could be, and always on the ice no matter who is playing.

Rye played only two years of baseball - one at little league - he was about 10, and one at High School as a Senior.

I think even Brix knows what today is, he is being very snugly and not very patient with the Ike - who did not know you (unless you sent him to annoy us)!

This is an older picture and Ike was still smaller, he takes up a lot of space now and tries to sleep on Brix part of the time.

I see you in your brother and your dad often, and in the first years that was so hard, but now I am thankful to have those glimpses of you there - your brother carries on well - keeping your good qualities while still having his own great qualities, personality and Reed-ism's.  I know you are proud of him just like me and your dad are.  

We are still all family - that also never goes away- no matter how many years it is.  We will add members presumably as we go along, and they will hear the stories of you and the tall tales too, and help us to remember those times.  You have once again gained some friends there and we have gained some understanding here as well with the parents who have lost - we are in it together and keep each other going.  Knowing........

Blessed be as we try to march into this next year without you and with you.

The Making (and fixing) of a Claw!

Its been another minute since you heard from me, and I have healed up enough that I can give you an idea of what I have been doing since I last wrote!  Fixing a Claw!  I introduced you to this problem a while back - you can read that one here!

Back a while ago - I started having some "twinges" in my right hand and  pain in my hand and elbow.  You all know that I do from gardening, quilting, writing, cooking and hockey things, as well as working a couple of jobs too!  It all sometimes add up to some issues!  

In March of this year I was getting ready to enjoy Spring Break and prepping to do some writing projects and planting I was hoping as well as having a "mini quilt retreat" too!  I started out by cutting out one of the "Murder of a Viking" quilt blocks (stay tuned for that later) and another set that was going to be a Tea Party donation.

The strip on the left is 92 individual pieces!

So as we got closer to the end of the school year after that fateful Spring Break, I began to have a lot of pain and numbness in my hand.  I could not hold a needle or hold a book or do alot of the planting that I needed to get going!

So off I went to the doctor who sent me to the Orthhopedic Surgeon!  A lovely Irish man who seems to actually care about what I had going on, and when he said I needed surgery I said great - Hows November for you?  He said Great because Ill be working on your hand next week!

SO........ Off we went to the Surgery Center to get it done and a few hours later.....

Laid up for at least a week healing elbow and wrist!

I had to wear a garbage bag to shower and try to do everything one armed.  I had to also keep it DRY and CLEAN!  Hand washing is a caution when you only have one had and you have to keep it dry too!  There is no such thing as clean and dry!

I thought I woud be able to do more than I could while I was laid up, and while I could do a bit of two hand typing it was too messy from the big wrap on there and it was more correcting than typing, so I had to give that up for a bit!

I was able to do a little sewing of pieces that I had cut before the surgery - there is no rotary cutting for a few more weeks until I heal up some more.  

So after 6 days I was back at work at the school, doing mostly left handed work and absolutely cooking from the heat and the cast!

After 10 days, I finally got the cast off - it ws so so itchy!

Because of the heat rash!!!!! When your office is 100 degrees all day and you have a cast on, there is no getting around the rash!  Ugh!

This owwie is bigger than I thought it would be.

And this one is smaller than I thought it would be.  

It really is healing up nicely, but I still am sore and bruised up and have no grip strength.  I also have only limited typing time before it is too tired, and sore to keep going!  

You can see the bruising better in this shot, a little of the rash that hangs on, and the elbow hole!  I am not in much pain other than incision pain now and muscle soreness, so I know it worked and Ill have no more claw hand!  I start Physical Therapy this coming week and start getting my strength back.

Stay tuned for more updates soon for how that is going, as soon as I can get a little stronger as well as updates on some of the other exciting things going on in life.  

Blessed be and dont be afraid to go to the doctor when you have a claw hand!