When you cant see the light....

I will sit with you in the dark.  Another mother lost a son recently, actually two now in the past two weeks, and so I (we) have had a few phone calls asking how should we treat this mother?  These parents, how do we help them to feel better and to get back on their feet?  What should we do?

The only thing that can be done well at this time is to sit with them.  When they cant see the light, sit with them in the dark.  They cannot see light right now.  All is dark like a black hole has sucked the light from the planet, and taken their world with it.

It will feel weird for you and for them, but everything right now to them feels wrong and weird.  There is no way around it.  If you can tolerate the weird for a bit, sit with them, listen to them if they will talk, or talk to them if they seem to hear you.  It will be really hard to tell what they need.  All their edges are raw and painful, every part of them from the inside out.  From their heart to all the other parts but especially their heart.  Treat them as though they have been in a car accident that broke every bone in their body, and they are on the drugs that help treat that.  Grief fog is a major brain blocker.

They will not know what they need, and may not be able to tell you.  Nothing will make them feel better.   We were never really soda drinkers but we drank a ton of Ginger Ale.  We cried enough that we all needed Gatorade as well.

If there is a memorial or a service, they will not know what to do most of the time.  In my case we had a friend of the family helping to get people signed in and she came and said "Lisa - the line is out to the road we need to just let people in the doors and sign in later"!  Perfect - get the people in the door.  Receiving line was excruciating.  Don't expect much for a few days after that.  Let them grieve without hard decisions.  The box of dirty socks will wait!

If you are able to, do some grocery shopping for them.  We have some funny stories about things that people brought to us right after Rye passed.  One of his good friends had recently lost a son also and he brought us cases of water, ziplock storage containers (like for leftovers), and paper products including toilet paper and paper towels.  I wasn't home at the time he brought them, but I remember thinking "What am I going to do with all these containers?".  Later, I discovered that we DID need all of those containers for the left overs and to put things in the freezer.  People made wonderful meals for us and for our families who were taking care of us and helping us stand up to do the things we needed to do.  There were a lot of left overs and we had meals from the freezer for months - for those times when no one was here and we just werent up for cooking.  Trust me - its a very real thing.  I am forever grateful for those containers and the paper products that kept dish washing to a minimum.

He brought a case of toilet paper and that was a good thing too.  No one EVER runs out of toilet paper at a convenient time, but when no one is up for leaving the house it can be a critical event. And it can be messy because no one cares what they use at that time.  Don't make them leave the house if they don't want to - and dont let them go alone, they will forget where they were going and what they were doing and be lost and alone - even in the grocery store.

You may have to tell them to get into the shower - You may have to help them take a shower.  We had times here when we didnt shower for days and we didnt care.  Someone had to tell us that we needed that - gently of course - but still.  Sometimes that still happens - almost two years later. 

Let them just watch tv if they want without talking - even the crappy shows that seem strange for them to be watching about stuff that makes them cry more.  Sometimes it is easier to cry about some crap on the tv than what we have going on but we still need the cry.

Clean the kitchen, or the bathroom, or both- they will have lots of company and they wont care about anything much less if there are dishes to be done or the bathroom is stinky, and you don't want them to have to worry about that if they are.

Warm them with fire -  bonfire, fireplace, woodstove or even a candle.  Something besides the fake too bright lights that they wont be able to focus on anyway.  Our families came out on the night that Rye died and we had a bonfire, I think they might have been back after the memorial too but I had grief fog and I cant remember well.  I remember we had the paper lanterns that have (of course) been banned here now that we wrote messages on and sent to the sky.  That is a good memory for me - it was nice to see the candle light - that little spark of love- floating up to him.

Remember with them, funny good memories - nothing about being in trouble or doing dumb stuff - remember the good and above all help them remember the love - love your people.