Today it has been 9 years. 9 years of missing you and trying to make sense of this world around me and what my place in it is...... Nana says its not a funny joke to say that I am here to make sure everyone is comfortable with the word F%*k - Im pretty sure it IS funny and that you and I would laugh about it long and hard! Pretty sure you would join me and Reedo and Key in the making sure its a fact and a funny one! Today, I really did nothing - a little reading from my ongoing Christmas gift books, and ran the dishwasher and I napped. It was an ok day.
Even 9 years after the loss of my oldest son Rye, I still struggle, nearly every day to find reasons to get out of bed and keep pushing on and do my job, and be who I need to be. I am doing some things to help get me on the path to being "healed" or at least to be able to keep going better!
Working at a school also takes its toll on me, as it is very rarely quiet there and someone always has a need - some greater than others - and most of them forget that grown-ups have needs too - not just kids! We are (thankfully) a cell phone free zone now, and even though Im happy about that, I do understand the families who might have PTSD like me and when you can't get ahold of your kid - it means something very different! Sometimes when I cant get ahold of my kid, it is an extreme response from my brain and my heart - not always reasonable response - but that is the nature of that Bitch PTSD. I have to calm myself, remember that we are not in a crisis scenario, and do some self care - sometimes I also have to take something to keep it at bay. After 8+ years of struggling to "heal", and friends gently letting me know that what I was doing was not working, my Doc told me it was OK to take a break from trying so hard to heal all the time, and from the anxiety, panic, migraines, and the grief and rest for a bit from the weight of it- to try again another day.
Courage does not always roar - sometimes it is the tiny voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow". Mary Anne Radmacher It's my favorite quote of all time - it can apply to every day or to a hockey game that ended badly, or just about anything, even healing from grief.
I had a hip replacement one year ago today, I have had a great result that is healing well but slowly! Anyone who knows me knows that slow isn't usually my favorite speed but, the hip pain and the radiating pain that it caused had caused a tremendous slow-down in all the things even 2 years before I had the surgery - so I am building back strength and learning to take things slowly - a lesson again for me - like it or not!
I have started some Yoga with T and it is awesome - We havent had a class for a while - Oh - I better touch base with her!
It was only 9 years ago that a big part of my world literally ended - but then again it did not - it pointed out harshly how fragile but unending this life is - and also how long a year really feels like, even 9 years later! I still lie every day about how I am doing - saying "fine", "I'm Good" - and the kicker "I am well" when I don't have a good repoonse because I feel like crap for no reason other than I had to have a memorial service for my son and people don't understand that it never. Goes. Away. I just have to "keep fu%king going" anyway.
I am still Quilting - I piece to bring me peace. It works most of the time and I have wonderful gifts for people, or for fundraisers for people and animals. It let's me feel like I'm accomplishing something when the world is in chaos around me. I get the freedom to mess up (even though I hate that part), and start again if I need to. Quilting while tired is a bad idea - in case you didn't know!
In Summer, I still want to be alone a lot, just be by myself with my thoughts and not have the struggle of saying appropriate things at the appropriate time, or of having to talk at all. I want to wander around the yard and inspect the greenery and the beauty that is the plants that I have coming up, and I don't want to have noise other than the sound of the lovely birds flitting about getting their houses in order for their children, and the bees buzzing and pollinating and creating with me!
Yard things are still hard with the healing up of the hip, and some of the other joint issues I have, but the beauty of the yard and the greenhouse producing are soothing to my soul, and sometimes I just sit out in it and I don't even "do" things! That part IS getting a little easier....
I hope that if you have struggles - you also have people to help you through them, or that you have space for solace and peace at the very least.
We March - Blessed Be.
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