I have had a number of epiphany this past few months, during this third year of our journey without Rye, and reading some of the other parents emotions in regards to their c
hilds death has given me solace, but not peace, knowing that we are not alone in our feelings...
Getting through another Mothers Day, and Memorial Day, Birthday, Christmas and, and, and...insert every holiday here..... those days are as hard as any bad days I have lived before in my life all put together. They don't come close to the loss day...
Rye doing tie dye shirt making with his friend Sarah Belle. Around 2010-2011.
This year we have been a little better about telling the stories of Rye and us. A little easier maybe to say his name without the hitch in our breath and the stab in our hearts. Or maybe we are getting used to that feeling. Telling the stories and saying his name help us to keep him alive in our lives, and in others lives. Remembered.....
Some of the stories we can only guess at. Like.....
and
No idea what this is about! Its awesome though!
Some of the stories our hearts will never forget, no matter if there are pictures or not.
Some stories we have pictures for and they are beautiful.
Rye and Reed with the first fish caught at our Big Lake house - 2005.
The pain stays- no matter what else is going on - it stays and it is exhausting. Sometimes I sleep, but it is not a restful sleep, it is filled with nightmares about what could happen, might happen, has happened, and terror. Nightmares about my kid, my family, other peoples kids and families. Waking up from terror and imagining that it has all just been a terrible dream, and then realizing that it has been real and terrible and not just a dream. Sometimes I am so tired of fighting the pain that it bleeds through to my every day and leaks out of my eyes and down my face, Im not bawling - but the tears are streaming. If you ask me why I will not be able to give a solid reason. It is exhausting to fight the pain all day every day, and some days I cannot do it and I have to stay home and hide in my house and wait it out in the silence, crying and trying to find a way through it.
Reed and Riley miss him terribly as well. We all have "pause" moments where we wish Rye were with us in that moment. Riley says "I wish Rye were here" and I usually say "Man, Rye would LOVE this"! And then we march on. With him with us through each day.
Here is Riley's post from this Anniversary of Rye's passing; August 28.
This year seems harder than the others. So many big things have happened for us, & while they bring a lot of happiness to our home, they also bring some teary eyes & heartache. So often I find myself just pausing in the moment & thinking, “man, I wish Rye was here.” Usually when I get to watch Reed accomplish new things, or when he is trying to navigate whatever life throws at him. Other times, like when Mardee randomly pipes up from the passenger seat in an otherwise quiet car ride & says “I wish I could’ve met Rye.” The beauty in that last part is that his stories are being told, & his presence is still so great that those who did not know him are remembering him right along with us. Tomorrow marks three years too long of you being gone, & we miss you more than ever.. I hope that Heaven is everything you’ve ever longed for. 💛
It could not have been said any better or more beautifully. She is right. It has seemed hard again this year. Each year I think it will get easier - it never does.
Sometimes I have to say to myself that "I am a nice lady" and "I can get through this day". Others will tell us to "have a good cry - sometimes you just need a good cry" which is true but most of the loss mothers I know cry every day- we dont have "good cries", it is a continuation of what started the moment that our child drew their last breath.
(photo credit Ron Nichol Photography)
The headaches continue, but I did recently find out that I have a torn ligament in my neck which may be a contributing factor to the incessant headaches. Yes I have started doing "self care" again and I have been to check ups, got my teeth cleaned and, obviously, to the chiropractor! He did ask why I waited so long to go? DUH! I only went because it was interferring with every aspect of my life now from working and gardening (OMG), to sewing (OMFG) and even reading and sleeping (lol)! I had one night where my phone thingy sleep/health app said I only slept 1 hour and 12 minutes - and I had to work the next day. Im no spring chicken and I need a bit more sleep than that to get through a day - just saying! And I didn't go sooner because I still thought it was a greif and stress thing, not a real broken neck kind of thing, and also because I was imagining something much more horrible than a torn ligament (which is not great either I know but it ain't cancer or degenerative bone or ....) and I didn't want to deal with any more horrible than I already do all day! So once I'm through the treatment for this I will see if the headaches lessen - I hope I hope.
21st birthday fun! There were some stories that night! Although sometimes I feel like he is looking right into my soul in this picture when I look at it. Those eyes.
We have had some good things this year as well - the kids got their own place (Reed and Riley and OK that may or may not be a "good thing" for me- its a good thing for them though), we did some travelling and some fun stuff together (made some new stories) that we all actually remember! I have been trying to post more of them than of the sad but I think its still out of whack - same as the rest of my life. We still struggle to let the joy out - unsure if we are allowed to feel that at the same time as we have this unimaginable pain.
We went to Vegas and Riley went too! She took this picture. Bowling - Rye loved bowling! This one time in Wasilla, Uncle Tylers car caught on fire while we were bowling! Stories....
We went to the shark exhibit at the Bellagio - it was amazing and such a great thing to do with family! Reed and Riley in front of the walk through shark tunnel.
We got to have birthdays with both of the kids too - this is Reed presenting Riley with her new Purple Kayak that matches her new Purple Extra Tough Boots! Stories.....
I went to a couple of weddings - those are still excruciating - and a few of Rye's friends have had children of their own - that is both another joy and sorrow. I am so happy for the kids, really , truly, but it represents a second level of loss for us - grandchildren that we should have had, could have had, might have had. Those loss reminders of who Rye would have been now, and what he would be doing, where he would go, and so on. Missing him in every aspect of our lives, even the future.
Our family arent the only ones who have felt his great loss either. I have made some new connections with people who only knew Rye (not Chad or I) and who have approached me when they found out I'm Rye's mom, to tell me how amazing he was in their lives and what a difference he made to them and still does. One of his friends told me he was "the absolute nicest guy I ever met"! He would give you whatever he had that you needed without a second thought and he apparently made many a Midnight Rescue Mission for friends, or friends of friends - stories.....
It has been made very clear that Rye was one of the "helper people" that you hear about sometimes. I like to think he is still doing that from his place now in the universe, helping us get through.
I hope we never run out of stories for Rye and about Rye. I hope you all make great memories with your families and tell the stories of lost loved ones with them. Share those precious stories with them - even if you don't have pictures to go with them. Blessed be x year three. We march on towards four.
Blessed be in all things.
