Affirmations and Love!

 "May the most you wish for be the least that you get!"

This little gem came in a box of "Aim for the stars" affirmations/positive quotes that I got and I have held onto it for a few years now - moving it around the office, choosing a different viewing point every once in a while so that it didnt become "invisible" in the fray that is currently my office. So I dont get so used to seeing it that I dont "see" it anymore.

It is a great reminder to 

A.  Love your people - If this is your wish for your people they will be doing pretty good at least from your side of the world!

B.  GIve yourself a little grace too - wish for all the things that that you are hoping for yourself also!

C.  Help others find the good things too - to be able to hope for more for themselves.  Even strangers. (except if they are trying to steal your hope)!

I got this little box from my sister (in a love her people moment) and it also has great little affirmations for every day - especially if I am struggling.  I have struggled often since the loss of Rye among other things, and finding meaning and reason to get out of bed, and sometimes just the right glance, at the right place, can help boost my mood and help the head and the heart stay where they need to be!

Full of great sayings and reminders, choosing a new one almost daily to see what the "cards hold" literally, is a fun and easy way to keep F'ing going each day.

 

And then there is this awesome "Ducking Duck" since I cant (and shouldn't but sometimes do anyway) say the "F" word at school - I can still have a smile - the friend who gave me this also struggles and at first she was resistant to the idea that I was put on the earth to make sure everyone is comfortable with the word F*&K, and she has joined the "dark side" in a good way!  Making it a funny, gentle reminder that I can say things at school and keep them appropriate!

Although Im not a super religious person (or very much at all - really), this little remimder is on my office door at the school.  I thought it was by someone like Mother Theresa, or Florence Nightengale or someone of that type of living, but it turns out is really is a Bible verse from Galatians 6:9!  We were asked at some point last year to put some positive quotes or affirmation, either on our doors or outside our doors, and this is the one I chose for this assignment and I have left it there all this time as it has gotten great reviews.  Everyone who see it stops and thinks about what it means - for me and for them - even the kids.

And this one, that I got from a friend at the beginning of this very hard road.  It sometimes helps me remember what my purpose here is; keeping people comfortable with words like F*&k, and reminding me that today is only one day, there will be many days, and some will be brilliant - if I keep my hopes, and my expectations in mind, and look ahead for the good!

I hope that the most that you wish for is the least that you get all the time!

Love your people!  Blessed Be!

Healing from the years and finding Purpose - 9 down

Today it has been 9 years.  9 years of missing you and trying to make sense of this world around me and what my place in it is...... Nana says its not a funny joke to say that I am here to make sure everyone is comfortable with the word F%*k - Im pretty sure it IS funny and that you and I would laugh about it long and hard!  Pretty sure you would join me and Reedo and Key in the making sure its a fact and a funny one!  Today, I really did nothing - a little reading from my ongoing Christmas gift books, and ran the dishwasher and I napped.  It was an ok day.

No middle fingers here but Im pretty sure you were thinking it!

Even 9 years after the loss of my oldest son Rye, I still struggle, nearly every day to find reasons to get out of bed and keep pushing on and do my job, and be who I need to be.  I am doing some things to help get me on the path to being "healed" or at least to be able to keep going better!

Working at a school also takes its toll on me, as it is very rarely quiet there and someone always has a need - some greater than others - and most of them forget that grown-ups have needs too - not just kids!  We are (thankfully) a cell phone free zone now, and even though Im happy about that, I do understand the families who might have PTSD like me and when you can't get ahold of your kid - it means something very different!  Sometimes when I cant get ahold of my kid, it is an extreme response from my brain and my heart - not always reasonable response - but that is the nature of that Bitch PTSD.  I have to calm myself,  remember that we are not in a crisis scenario, and do some self care - sometimes I also have to take something to keep it at bay.  After 8+ years of struggling to "heal", and friends gently letting me know that what I was doing was not working, my Doc told me it was OK to take a break from trying so hard to heal all the time, and from the anxiety, panic, migraines, and the grief and rest for a bit from the weight of it- to try again another day.  

Courage does not always roar - sometimes it is the tiny voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow".  Mary Anne Radmacher   It's my favorite quote of all time - it can apply to every day or to a hockey game that ended badly, or just about anything, even healing from grief.

I had a hip replacement one year ago today, I have had a great result that is healing well but slowly!  Anyone who knows me knows that slow isn't usually my favorite speed but, the hip pain and the radiating pain that it caused had caused a tremendous slow-down in all the things even 2 years before I had the surgery - so I am building back strength and learning to take things slowly - a lesson again for me - like it or not!

I have started some Yoga with T and it is awesome - We havent had a class for a while - Oh - I better touch base with her!

It was only 9 years ago that a big part of my world literally ended - but then again it did not - it pointed out harshly how fragile but unending this life is - and also how long a year really feels like, even 9 years later!  I still lie every day about how I am doing - saying "fine", "I'm Good" - and the kicker "I am well" when I don't have a good repoonse because I feel like crap for no reason other than I had to have a memorial service for my son and people don't understand that it never. Goes. Away.  I just have to "keep fu%king going" anyway.

I am still Quilting - I piece to bring me peace.  It works most of the time and I have wonderful gifts for people, or for fundraisers for people and animals.  It let's me feel like I'm accomplishing something when the world is in chaos around me.  I get the freedom to mess up (even though I hate that part), and start again if I need to.  Quilting while tired is a bad idea - in case you didn't know!

In Summer, I still want to be alone a lot, just be by myself with my thoughts and not have the struggle of saying appropriate things at the appropriate time, or of having to talk at all.  I want to wander around the yard and inspect the greenery and the beauty that is the plants that I have coming up, and I don't want to have noise other than the sound of the lovely birds flitting about getting their houses in order for their children, and the bees buzzing and pollinating and creating with me! 

Yard things are still hard with the healing up of the hip, and some of the other joint issues I have, but the beauty of the yard and the greenhouse producing are soothing to my soul, and sometimes I just sit out in it and I don't even "do" things!  That part IS getting a little easier....

I hope that if you have struggles - you also have people to help you through them, or that you have space for solace and peace at the very least.

We March - Blessed Be.

Water Barrel Blues

The storage and keeping of water for all the things here at Wicked Raven Farm has always been a conundrum!  It seems that no matter what I do, or what fashion I set the water barrels up - there is either never enough water when it's dry, or something doesn't work quite right to hold on to the water!

Yes - We are "weird water people" and we drill holes (aka water wells) for a living (at least hubby and his brother do - I mostly do paperwork for that part) - one would thik we coouold figure out a way to hold onto some water!  

Above is a blue "soap" barrel that I got from one of the car washes in town.  They are full of soap that I presume gets poured into the car wash machines to get your car clean, and then I can bring them home to clean out and use as water barels - or grow bins!  Both are good!  Don't get one if it has had any fuel or oil in them or chemicals other than soap - you can't get them clean enough to use on food plants!

Here is a white one that I had under the down spout of the "brown shed".

It had a chip out of the top and I was able to cob together a little secondary downspout for water to go ito a bushel tub (Rubbermaid style) for extra water storage.  One of the things that this helps with on the farm is that I don't have to haul around huge lengths of hose - we have 4.5 acres here and it takes about 400 feet of hose to get adequate water to some of the outlying orchard areas and to the "far garden"!  That stuff is heavy even if you do it 100 feet at a time!

This barrel was in the greenhouse, but it got a hole in it because I was not able to ge all the water out of it last fall before it froze.  When water freezes in these barrels, you have to turn them upside down so the ice does not break your barrel.  Upside down the ice falls out as it thaws, but if you just leave as is the water re-freezes and expands the plastic in some way, breaking it.  Bummer!

This barrell has now been put to use to grow potatoes - I was able to cut it inhalf and have two rounds that work great for potato planting.

A

This 5 gallon bucket has been a perfect go-to for taking water in the greenhouse!  I can carry it (now that my hiphas healed enough) and it can either be used directly on plants or poured into one of the other water tubs in the greenhouse.  I feel like hose water is not always the best for the plants - i think they like rainwater better?

This barrel has a crack in the side but its at the top of the barrel so it doesnt lose too much water - I figured I would nurse it through this summer and replace it next year in the Spring.  The one out by the garden had a large crack aslo in the top and that barrell is about 40" tall.  I should have replaced it this Spring!

There I was - being efficient - both arms in the barrel scooping water into little 1 gallon buckets (because I was having a day where 5 gallons was too heavy for me - its a thing....) when all of a sudden - BAM!  The whole side caved in and my face bashed right into the far side of the barrel!

Whoop!  There it is!  The reason you wear glasses or eye protection in the garden too!  It's no light work!  I almost always have on glasses of some kind, either sun glasses, seeing glasses, or safety glasses....which are everywhere at my house - because.....weird water people!  This one day I was just going to water a few things that needed extra out at the far garden and then I had office work I needed to do!  Needles to say, I did not get any of my things done! 

The water barrel is now in the pile to go to the dumpster, along with a length of hose that wore out, and some tangled wire that is not salvagable!

And....now I have short water barrels at all points in the yard!  No more halfway in the barrel to get some water out and the dogs can get a drink from them too!  Bonus!

This bushel tub works great and actually looks a little nicer.  I have a couple of plastic half whiskey barrel looking tubs that will replace these - I just can't go without the bushel tubs in the actual greenhouse!  I use them too often!

Here I am a week later - healing nicely!  I had texted a picture to my mom and sister, and the next day I had to come home from work early because I didn't feel good - I thought I had flu like symptoms, but when I called my mom and told her about what I was having happen - she said - "Well.....I think you have a concussion!"  Sure enough, all the symptoms were concussion symptoms other than scaring the life outta the cheer group who were working out at the school at Cheer Camp!  I kept forgetting that I had the gash and it really freaked some people out!  I got a lot of "Are you safe at home?" lines of inquiry.  It's good to have people who care, and who will cover for you when you concuss yourself on a plastic water barrel!

I hope all your rain makes rainbows, and you can easily water with it!

Blessed be!

May the 4th (of July)Be With you - and fireworks too!

 We live in a place that allows fireworks and has a multitude of fireworks stands (Gorilla Link).  I know some of you and lots of pets, including my own (Brix is- Naughty Ike don't care bout that!) are afraid of fireworks, or have had a bad go at some point in time with fireworks, but I LOVE THEM!  I love the smell, and the sight and the memories that are made by the glow!

Actually I dont love everything about them.... I dont love the noise, (but really I do) and the things that can set other things on fire, or blow a hand off or an eye out, but I LOVE the IDEA of fireworks.  There is no better message for me that there is freedom, love,  and family here than to see fireworks being set off.  Safely of course!

In our Community, the fireworks seller (Gorilla Fireworks) is also a HUGE supporter of the kids and of people in general!  They help to host events, they sponsor just about everything good in our Community, and they put on some of the best fireworks shows you will ever see!  

This particular fireworks showd was courtesy of Reedo and Friends!

We generally don't set off fireworks on the 4th of July for a multitude of reasons, including; it's light 24 hours a day on the 4th of July and you can't really see the fireworks, it's drier than a popcorn fart here on the 4th and they will start fires, and we (or the kids) are somewhere down the road with family or friends or both, and.....the dogs freak out - especially Brix!  The last time we left him at home on a fireworks night, I had to replace the whole bathroom set because he got into the bathtub (his own self) "for my safety mom!", and absolutely shredded the shower curtain, liner and a rug!  It was hilarious after I got it all cleaned up and we got the dog calmed down!  Now he has some fun medication that we can give him so he isnt so stressed during fireworks and it helps with his sore joints too.....poor guy!

Here he is in the laundry/sewing room hiding behind the ironing board!  Sometimes he will lay down and rest a bit - depends on how loud the fireworks are and how rapid.  He is also afraid of gunshots too!

These pictures are from New Years Eve a couple years ago - we DO set off fireworks for most New Years, then the only thing we have to worry about is the dog issues for the most part!  Sometimes we get our fireworks on the 4th of July and just hold them until New Years - Sometimes we wait until the last minute!

And at New Years the romance might be better too - for some people!

I hope that the 4th and every day is with you and on your side, and if you dont have fireworks, I hope you have something just as good to make memories with your people!

Love your people on all the days and in ALL things Blessed Be!

The silence of the wounded

Its been another few minutes since you heard from me, I know.  There are often times when I am overcome with all of the mundane activities of life and to sit down and feel my feelings - even about the dogs- is sometimes too much!  Even when Ike is naughty, and Brix runs away to Grammas house, and my kids are out doing all the things they are (really) supposed to be doing - real life stuff - I sometimes struggle to look up and look out at the world and understand my place in it. I (my whole family& friend group actually) also have had enough "real life" stuff to last me a lifetime I think.  The saying "The hits just keep on coming!" has been real for 2025.  Here's hoping the second half is better.....

 Loss mothers often go quiet on certain days of huge loss - others are loud and proud and trying to make theirs and their childrens voices heard.  The farther away from our loss it seems that the closer we try to hold our angels and our children who are here. The farther I have gotten from Rye's death date, the more it seems it takes me emotionally to keep my shit together on the daily when the holidays/special days are coming.  I end up exhausted all the time for a couple of weeks beforehand.

The first Sunday in May started with what is called "Bereaved Mothers Day" - who even thinks this stuff up?  Ugh -  Im not sure to be honest - what if?......its always a question.  As in, what if I had only one kid - would I want a separate Mothers Day since then I would just be a "bereaved Mother" and have that be a different day?  I hope that isn't how some moms have to do things.  Its very sad. This year Reedo had surgery about a week before all of the Mothers Day stuff started so that was also looming huge over me - all the "what if's" that could happen to him, and then he couldnt get around still....so - let's just say that it was a very emotional couple of weeks.  Thankfully, he will make a full recovery!  Check that box off the worry list! We also had some losses at work that were very emotional too.  More about that later.....maybe.

It has also not helped that our weather this "summer" has been terrible, torrential rain, wind and cold!  This day from the picture above was just about our only sunny day so far and I got a little burnt! Im too pasty to not build up to sun, but it sure felt good on the skin and for the soul!

There is still not a day that goes by that I dont think about Rye and Reed and Keyona and......all the kids whom I have ever been in charge of in the least amount of ways! Hearing about things like 9/11, police shootings, murders and car accidents, overdose, leukemia, even a freakin volcano that was supposed to blow earlier in the year those are all ways that can worry a mom.  I can't watch a lot of news now or I am underwater and treading for all I am worth! No, I have not made my kids do the Life360 and make sure I know at all times where they are;  a) that would overwhelm me with emotional stuff of the everyday things that I really dont need to know, b) They are grown ups and I cannot put them in that type of a bubble even if I want to and c) that would be so unfair to them tryng to make a life and do all the great things that they ARE supposed to do!  Without the Mom - peeking at every angle!  It really is what I want to do though....

And no.....I don't sit around waiting and wondering about all the worrisome things, but I also seem to now have some PTSD that causes me to worry about things that a lot of other people don't. Although I have seen the Life360 ad on lately where the Mom is singing a creepy song about all the ways that she worries could happen to her kid... I could totally relate.  So maybe I'm not alone in this crazy worry wart world that I sometimes live in!

One of my big things that I am really having to work on lately almost daily is "please see that I am in pain without me having to unleash it on everyone around me."  Without my having to scream it to the rooftops or really, the stars before those around me can see the huge burden that is carried by me and by loss mothers all of the time - even when we are having a good day.  We forget that people can't see that...they have no way to know.  Because it's there even we get out of bed and do all the things around that are to be done and that people expect us to do. Even when we are such impressive Badasses that no one can tell how much that we carry!

For now, I will keep marching....keep fucking going......keep finding a way, every day, to be the Badass!  I hope you will too!  You are important and you matter - (insert heart emoji here).

Blessed be and once again Badass Be! 

Naughty Ike and the ODD

 I think Ike has ODD - Oppositional Defiance Disorder!  I sometimes give it the Latin name "Ikeus Oppositeafolia"!  Meaning the Ike opposite flower!  My gardening friends might get that one - sorry if you arent one!  But..... ODD means that everything you ask of him - he does the opposite - with attitude!  Not just a little attitude - a lot of attitude!  And a large dose of Sass too!

This is "Sit"!  Ike weighs 170 pounds now - give or take pound - and if he doesnt want to do something, you aren't going to have it done!

This is "lets go!"

This sour look is "move over please?"

I would say that this is asking him to get his own spanking stick - remember when you were little and your mom made you do that?  Never bring a tiny twig - Ike understands this assignment but I never asked him to get a stick at all and I certainly wouldnt beat him with one!  I have no idea why he is getting this size of a log to try to play with!  Now we have logs all over the yard and he is about the only one who can lift them!  I gotta get the chainsaw and cut them in pieces when he is not home so I can clean it up!  Goddess forgive if you try to limb any trees - he will grab each and every one of them and spread them out all over!

Once again - "Move please!"

This is a favorite - Ike and his friend Yodas when they have been asked to "Go Home!"  Home would be in the background of the photo - in the opposite direction!

This would be "Lay Down!"  Brix totally understands this assignment - Ike not so much!  He is my baby who will do anything not to go to bed!  Including cry - once he does lay down - he cries to keep himself awake!

This would be "Sorry Mom!"  and I do think he was sincere - Brix definitely was mad with him - Brix was not the shoe eater!  If you missed it - Ike ate the custom painted dragonfly clogs that you see above Brix head - ate them so hard that thay are not repairable and they are one of a kind - irreplaceable!  Insert sad face emoji and read about it here!

And....... "Im not tired - you're tired!" He is half laying on the futon cushion that we all call "the nest" because when Reedo had a broken arm he mostly lived in the nest so we could keep an eye on him and make sure he had everything he needed and had help getting up and all the things!  It was years ago, but we never picked up the nest and now the dogs sleep and watch tv there.  Good times!

Then there is "Get Down!"  Neither one of them wanted to follow this direction- Brix often thinks that is his couch and he will not get down until Ike gets down and then only reluctantly!  IN reality, this is MY COUCH!  With Currently aboput 270 pounds of dog on it!  IM pretty sure Ike's head weighs 50 pounds by itself!  Its very much a workout to get them down from there - its a dog rodeo!  I have found the workout worth it though!

All in all - they are both just giant loves and even the one with ODD is lovable!   

I hope that you have dogs (pets) that love you and keep you moving even if they aren't always cooperating with you!  

Be Well and Blessed Be (even if you have a Naughty)!

Oh Yoga!

A couple months ago I had an opportunity to host one of my dear friends for a "practice" yoga session!  She has been working on getting her Yogi certificate ( I think thats what it is called).    She really is an amazing human and I also got to visit with one of my other favorite humans too - Toria!  

I have known these girls since they were just little mini's as Toria was a neighbor and went to school with Reedo.  Another neighbor and I took turns most of the school days being the "bus" drivers and she was one of the kids we took back and forth!  Our bus started out 2.5 miles away from our houses and Reed and Toria were kindergardners when we first moved here.  We later petitioned to get it closer.  It ended up being in her front yard and only half mile from our house! But.....I digress as usual!

Now, I'm a total Noob when it comes to most things Yoga, except for some basics I have done via DVD (yes that is still a thing at my house), that relatives got me long ago.  I have very few moves!

But, what I have done always made me feel better and my joints less stiff!

So - over to my house they came and we did a couple of classes and gave feedback and learned some of the moves and poses!  It was very fun and I felt better afterwards.  

And then....... fast forward a few months...... Tyra texted me that she was having her first class at the Big Lake Open Studio!  I said "I'll see you there!"  The open studio is a place that folks can rent the space for classes like our yoga, barre, and there have even been beading classes there!  Fun!

SO I toodled off to the class (I have my own mat and everything)!  It was wonderful and it was a great workout.  I still cant do all the moves with my new hip and my other old joints but what I can do helps a lot and even my FitBit thought I was getting a workout!

There were a total of 7 of us at this first class, but I think the class will be full from now on!  We were an excited group when we were done!

Sorry Jason! I had to show this one - becasue you are awesome at trying Yoga things and you kept us in it for the whole time!

When we were all done, we got to do the "corpse pose" which is hard for me becasue you just lay on your back and breathe and relax!  What???  I do not relax easily but after doing the whole session (it was an hour long), I really was ready for some lay on my back and relax!

Then......Namaste!  Thank the Universe with gratitude!

We have another session coming up this Saturday and next Saturday and hopefully more to come after that!  I look forward to the loosened joints and the relax-ability!

May you have someone in your life that teaches the Yoga and the Relax, and may you see the Universe reflected in your Gratitude!

Breathe, Be Grateful, and Blessed Be!