The Third Birthday

I am marching this month of February.  I am living the new motto of our household.  We put our feet on the floor and we march.  Or sometimes we don't too.  It is the birthday month for our precious Rye.  This will be the third birthday without him.   It is a little bit ironic that the earthquake shook out pictures of Rye at age three and now this is our third birthday without him.   Hmmmm..... Universe provides.

I think these are also some of the very few pictures we have that Rye wasn't wearing some type of hockey insignia!  This is actually a football on his shirt!  Can you believe it?  Such a cute boy.

The whole month seems to scream his name, all day every day.   Each day brings some reminder of him.  Not that every day doesn't already but in February, the birthday month it seems to take on more significance.  It Is February.  That special month when my first born was born.  The month that MADE me a mother.

I try to make every day mean something, and make myself listen to each question asked and try not to say something wrong with each "How are you". I answer mostly "I am well" - meaning I am healthy, not that I am ok. I am not ok. It. Never. Ends. I try to be the supermom, super-wife, superwoman, super-secretary that everyone seems to want to see.  They want to SEE that I am ok.  They want to hear that all is well and sunshine and roses.  Yesterday my good thing was that I didn't drive into oncoming traffic.  I was pretty proud of that.  Didn't need pockets even! I know I'm not supposed to say that out loud or write it even!  There are a lot of things that loss mothers think and know and feel, but never say out loud or act upon.  All that the other people in the room know is that we showed up at work or wherever we were supposed to.  Maybe even on time!   I will continue to march through, just as I have done for three birthdays now.  Wearing these too small/too big/ill fitting, uncomfortable shoes and walking that mile that feels like ten every day.   What I really want to do is lay down and be still like a vegetable.  Lately I have mostly been eating my feelings!~  It's a real thing!  It lets you feel like you have filled that empty space for a few moments, and to keep the screaming from coming out, at least until you can retreat to the car and pretend you are listening to "screamo" music.  Trying to make it through my march to March - the second month that MADE me a mother!   The month that is still ok and when we will be able to truly "Celebrate" a birthday.  Someday maybe we will be able to celebrate Rye's birthday again, but not yet.  I don't know why this is white for the background - it won't let me change it!  Wtf?

I have been reading more lately. I find that I really need the quiet of reading in order to counteract the loud of everyday that is my screaming life.  One of the things I have been reading is "A Bed For My Heart" by Angela Miller.  She is also a loss mother and she "gets" me!  She "gets" us!  She has walked the one mile ten, in my shoes and carrying an angel child.  I cry every time I read any of her material - and you will too when you read it - this woman writes her pain the same as I do and tries to slay the demons that threaten to steal us away from this life with the tidal wave of pain engulfing our whole being.  Read one of my favorite essays by Angela Miller, "Let Me Tell You Who I Am Now".

Rye with Aunt Shannon and Chance

I also know why it is called "A Bed For My Heart".  I have talked before about being tired to my soul, and I still am.  My soul and my heart are tired all the time and it is exhausting to try to keep up the face that we put on every day.  To try to care about things that don't really matter, but because they matter so much to others we try really hard to relate, care and communicate.  Our hearts need a place to rest, and there is none to be found.

Some things (like silly issues that people think up to be mad about) make me laugh out loud for real, which is often surprising and inappropriate to the other people in the room, but if they knew what this loss felt like their issues would be so small, and they would laugh too at the silliness of it all.  In two years they won't even remember what they were salty about.  

I have also had to remind myself this month that "I am a nice lady", and being angry at stupid doesn't help any of us - including me!    Some of the kids have even heard me whisper "I am a nice lady"!  I'm sure it was weird for them, but it has to be said out loud sometimes.  The panic attacks have increased as well and I hate the parents who don't take care of or protect their kids.   

I miss Reed and Riley more this month also. They have moved into their own place.  Read about it HERE. It is hard not to call him and have him come home - so hard.  I remember when I was just moved into my own house, my mother calling me and asking "why don't you just come stay at home tonight?" and I replied "I AM home Mom!".  I learned that another mothers child had died, so my mother wanted me to be home safe and sound and where she could see me, talk to me, and hear me breathing.  I get it now Mom.  Sadly, I get it.

We three can sometimes smile, and the "bird" will probably make us laugh forever!  I am still a hesitant "bird flipper" for pictures, and Hubby didn't see the camera or he would have not been smiling or he would have turned away.  Thanks Riley for the great pictures!  Smiling!

I know February is the month of love, and of flowers and "junk" as the boys used to say - but at the school it is just Halloween on Hormones, (lots of crying), and for me it is just hard.  I will march on.

Blessed be.

A Place of their Own!

 Reed and Riley have made the move - out of our house and her house and into their own space!  They had to work really hard to get the space up and running but they did it!  It is still a work in progress and probably will be for a while but it is their own!

Below you can see Riley's recent fortune from the local restaurant.  It was definitely a "telling" fortune!  

The kids had some time off over the Christmas break and got all the ducks, friends, and dogs in a row to make things happen at a little shop on the same property that houses our "Big Shop" that the drill rigs and pump trucks live in.  We had been using it as strictly storage, but in a former life it was an apartment - some friends of ours used it when they sold their house and it sold sooner than they thought it would and waaayyyy before their new house was done!  So we knew it would be able to be a good spot to start out in!

Luckily most of the friends are hockey players or kids who are in pretty good shape to move heavy things!  There was a lot of moving of heavy items for about the first two days!

And no.....it's not a Union job!  Just kidding!  They are debating on where to put all the tires! " Why do you even HAVE this many tires?  Who do these belong to?"   Keeping in mind that we have a large number of vehicles and some of the tires were even from trucks/rigs that we don't own anymore!  They got it sorted!

Here is the start up kitchen.  Somewhere in this shop there is an oven - it only worked for about a week before they had to replace it - luckily they know people!  This is the "Before" kitchen above and below!  Uncle and Reed are doing some wiring so there is better lighting in the kitchen area and since the light switch was all the way across the room from the kitchen door?!  Not sure why.

One of the features in this kitchen is that it was originally set up to be a cold room for hanging meat after hunts.  Back in the day all of the families would get together after hunting season and butcher.  We sometimes also would get a pig during the winter (or if we didn't get a moose that year) and butcher it up in the shop kitchen.  

Above is Reed and Mardi cooking up a meal for dinner on the new stove with the "kitchen drawer toolbox" next to it.  It has a cutting board top so it is super useful next to the stove.  It is a great use of an empty toolbox - although Im not sure why the box would be empty at our shop?  Hmmmmm......

Here Mardi is literally "hanging out" in the kitchen.  Gives you a better idea of what those meat hangers look like!

Hockey players always know how to remove snow from a surface that may have ice under the snow!  They will find ice!  Yes - those are sleds they are scooping snow with!

Plenty of parking at this apartment!

Here is another view of some of the stuff that was stored in the small shop - it is a LOT of tires!  Below is Reedo surveying the site from a tire perch! Why DID we have all those tires?

Riley's little sister gets a little broom practice - no parking here!

Below picture will be the bedroom.  Walls going up!  There won't be any lid on the rooms because of the way the heating system is set up it would make it hard to heat the rooms individually so this way they will have "circulation throughout the rooms".  Feel a draft?  That is your "circulation"!

Here goes the shelving up to act as the closet - the rest will go in dressers.

Entry way hallway below - the bathroom is through the end door and to the left - it makes for a little blocking for in case the big door has to come up and they don't have to knock out any existing walls.  And there is plenty of room for Reeds work clothing to hang without it coming all the way in!

Nothing wrong with a little work break to ride a machine with the littles and have a little fun!

Here is the living room with the futon and the sofa - and yes - that is a beer keg with a piece of glass on top for an end table!  Those were the hubby and I's first end tables at our first house thirty years ago!  Then they went to Hubby's brother for about 15 years and now the kids have them for another round!  

It has been very bittersweet for Hubby and I. We know that it is how things go and that it is the right thing for the kids, but it didnt work too good for us the first time around so we still have a lot of fear factor as well - built in worry stones around our necks and sitting right on our hearts!

But mixed in, and in our higher hearts we can feel and see the love that has gone into this little "place of their own" and we know that will carry into their lives as well.

All will be well.  Blessed be little birds.

Super Bowl (Snow) Day? Also known as Super Craft Bowl Sunday Llll!!!

It is Super Bowl Sunday Llll!  At most houses that means Football, but here at Wicked Raven Farm that means Super Crafting Sunday especially since I'n not really a football fan and..... 

THIS is what is happening outside!

We have got about 6" of snow overnight, and the wind is blowing so there will be drifting as well!  I love a good winter storm!

SO THIS is happening inside!  (Yes Hubby will watch the game and the commercials - OK I might watch some of the commercials!  They are always so funny!)

The green and purple is part of a new design I am working on as I write!  Stay tuned for an upcoming post showing some of my patterns - I actually sold a copy in December!  So exciting!  You can sneak a peek at my ETSY store here!  

And you may recognize these blocks as my "Next 15 Minutes" blocks, or at least part of them!  It's coming together nicely!  Its a quick way to make a quilt and use up a ton of your scraps!  

I hope you have something you enjoy today - even if it IS football!

Keep warm, stay crafty, and enjoy the day!