The Sixth Year - That Which Has Been My Delight!

I have started and re-started this post a hundred times now - trying to grab the fleeting moments of clarity that occur on this day - the day you were stolen from us so harshly six years ago.  

1st birthday - a wagon and lots of balloons that you loved!

I am tired of loss.  I am exhausted from keeping up the faces and facades.  I am tired to my soul. It seems that just when I get my feet under me and I am feeling like I have strength to go on, another wave of loss hits.  Or another loss is had.    We have survived 6 years without you now and sometimes it feels like yesterday still that you left.  YES  I KNOW!!!  YOU DIED!  You didn't leave, pass on , go away, go around the corner.  You died.  It still sits on my shoulders and whispers in my ear every day! 

You now have some more friends there from this side of the veil....Gramma Morgan, Ripley, Todd, "Big Mike", and the baby who came to you without a name.  I'm certain I know who it is and I am even more saddened for his parents who have to walk this path of loss now too.  Just a few of the losses we have had this year.  All so freaking hard.

The bear hat that we couldn't go anywhere without.

I always try to honor you on these days - I have talked about that before in posts, trying to honor you somehow...even just looking at pictures, doing things you liked, or doing good out in the world.  So far all I have accomplished today is keeping the dogs from fighting over a stupid bone (that Brix doesn't even really want - he just doesn't want Ike to have it), and taking a nap! And writing this I guess too.  Im counting it!

I don't fish, but I would love to go read a book while you boys fish today!  I miss Rye and Reed- brothers together - even when you run me over with a trailer and crash me in the Razr and everyone laughs. I miss Rye and Reed and the Fellas too.

I miss all of it so so much.  I miss you so so much! All of us here do, even your damn dog!  The people who always reach out to me on these days miss you and remember you with us.  I appreciate them so much for that.  Remembering that you existed.  I miss the Rye Sign.

So today, although I am once again writing my pain, I am also remembering you, remembering things we did and planned that we never got to do.  Through my tears is also delight that we got to have you at all, for any time. "When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you will see that in truth, you are weeping for that which has been your delight." - Khalil Gibran.   I am weeping, for that which has been my delight and that which has caused me such pain.  It is year 6 without you here and I weep often, but this time is really the first time that I could see that it was also my delight.  We March into year 7.....blessed be.