10 years gone - part 1 .....

Today it has been ten years....Ten years since my phone rang and burned into my brain what I was wearing, what I was doing and where I was standing, but not what I was hearing.

Ten years since I drove down the one road in, one road out lanes that were being rebuilt on a Sunday even and I had to ask to go through because I was going to the Emergency Room to see you for the last time.    Even when I got there and they brought me to see you - I double checked it was really you - those tattoos dont lie - I wish they did...

Ten years...... It seems like such a long time, and it feels like yesterday. 

In that time I have had multiple surgeries, including hip replacement on one side, Sinus surgery, and Carpal tunnel.  I have NOT set goals. I have let go of things....I have moved out, left Big Lake, Houston High, and I am starting right fucking over, but nothing makes you being gone any better.  It never goes away. Searching for you in all the places, calling your phone sometimes hoping the voicemail will still work somehow (it doesnt), and being startled by the orange and the yellow green vest guys on the side of the road with the hardhats on who look like you.  I have a goal to set goals.....  I have a goal to find joy again in the everyday things - an ordinary life even - maybe even a meaningful one. Whatever that means.  I have quilted....many quilts for many reasons and it has saved my life....

....along with...

Reed has grown up, got married, bought a house and is having a baby!  Doing all the things and I know you are so proud.  I am too.  I am amazed by him daily and his Keep Fucking Going Attitude - even when things are feeling like they are falling apart again - and really they are - Reed remains amazing! I am inspired by his resilience, his love for his people and his love for you with us - like you never left.

Ten years.....A Decade...... So long ago and yesterday.

Brix still looks for you too - as though searching for a friend who has been gone a long time but he is sure is coming back. 

So today I tried to do some things that felt like I was stepping forward, even in small ways, and not standing still or wallowing in the grief of your Angelversary.

I picked some of the cherries - the ones that the bees like to eat the centers out of when they ripen, get rained on and split.  It felt good to be outside and breathing today, even with overcast skies and bees and bugs.  You would have laughed that I got stung by a wasp who was mad that I was picking his cherries - that was not great but, we'll have Cherries for weeks to process!

I took the shredding in and dropped it off.  Brix went too so he could have an adventure and he ended up scaring the poor shred guy nearly to death when he was trying to help me get the shredding out of the car!  Shredding is a good grief activity - even if you arent tearing the paper, just hearing it go through the machine is a little bit cathartic!

We had family dinner.  We ate some of your favorite food - the Chicken Coconut Curry with the "tiny oranges" that was your absolute favorite!  We had Devilled Eggs - one of your brothers favorites, and some little Apple Galettes that you would have loved and are so delicious!

We had a great visit with Reed and Keyona, but I forgot to take pictures of the food the other people in the house!  It's one of my best tricks!

Today I also heard from one of your good friends who is working to get himself back on his feet - with help from the Angels, and I'm sure you are part of the crew helping.....as is your style.  I also heard from one of Reeds old friends who still remembers us on the hard days and reaches out!  

I hope this is true, that there are angels with their hands on us all - every day - helping us get through all the things and remember you with more joy than pain maybe.  I think we were able to do that today a little bit..... small steps in the right direction, even with middle fingers in the air....

I have set a goal to make the next years of remembering you good ones, and meaningful somehow..... Maybe.... for right now, and the end of today, I will rest knowing that I have done some things that would make you proud, make you laugh, and remember the love with us and in us!

May we all blessed be!

PS stay tuned for part two of the 10 Years Gone..... it is a lot to unpack...slowly!