Reflections on the Third Year - Stories of Rye

I have had a number of epiphany this past few months, during this third year of our journey without Rye, and reading some of the other parents emotions in regards to their childs death  has given me solace, but not peace, knowing that we are not alone in our feelings...

Getting through another Mothers Day, and Memorial Day, Birthday, Christmas and, and, and...insert every holiday here..... those days are as hard as any bad days I have lived before in my life all put together. They don't come close to the loss day...

Rye doing tie dye shirt making with his friend Sarah Belle. Around 2010-2011. 

This year we have been a little better about telling the stories of Rye and us.  A little easier maybe to say his name without the hitch in our breath and the stab in our hearts.  Or maybe we are getting used to that feeling.  Telling the stories and saying his name help us to keep him alive in our lives, and in others lives.  Remembered.....

Some of the stories we can only guess at.  Like.....

and

No idea what this is about!  Its awesome though!

Some of the stories our hearts will never forget, no matter if there are pictures or not.

Some stories we have pictures for and they are beautiful.

Rye and Reed with the first fish caught at our Big Lake house - 2005.

The pain stays- no matter what else is going on - it stays and it is exhausting.  Sometimes I sleep, but it is not a restful sleep, it is filled with nightmares about what could happen, might happen, has happened, and terror.  Nightmares about my kid, my family, other peoples kids and families.  Waking up from terror and imagining that it has all just been a terrible dream, and then realizing that it has been real and terrible and not just a dream.  Sometimes I am so tired of fighting the pain that it bleeds through to my every day and leaks out of my eyes and down my face, Im not bawling - but the tears are streaming.  If you ask me why I will not be able to give a solid reason.  It is exhausting to fight the pain all day every day, and some days I cannot do it and I have to stay home and hide in my house and wait it out in the silence, crying and trying to find a way through it.

Reed and Riley miss him terribly as well.  We all have "pause" moments where we wish Rye were with us in that moment.  Riley says "I wish Rye were here"  and I usually say "Man, Rye would LOVE this"!  And then we march on. With him with us through each day. 

Here is Riley's post from this Anniversary of Rye's passing;  August 28.

This year seems harder than the others. So many big things have happened for us, & while they bring a lot of happiness to our home, they also bring some teary eyes & heartache. So often I find myself just pausing in the moment & thinking, “man, I wish Rye was here.” Usually when I get to watch Reed accomplish new things, or when he is trying to navigate whatever life throws at him. Other times, like when Mardee randomly pipes up from the passenger seat in an otherwise quiet car ride & says “I wish I could’ve met Rye.” The beauty in that last part is that his stories are being told, & his presence is still so great that those who did not know him are remembering him right along with us. Tomorrow marks three years too long of you being gone, & we miss you more than ever.. I hope that Heaven is everything you’ve ever longed for. 💛

It could not have been said any better or more beautifully.  She is right.  It has seemed hard again this year.  Each year I think it will get easier - it never does.

Sometimes I have to say to myself that "I am a nice lady" and "I can get through this day".  Others will tell us to "have a good cry - sometimes you just need a good cry" which is true but most of the loss mothers I know cry every day- we dont have "good cries", it is a continuation of what started the moment that our child drew their last breath.

(photo credit Ron Nichol Photography)

The headaches continue, but I did recently find out that I have a torn ligament in my neck which may be a contributing factor to the incessant headaches.  Yes I have started doing "self care" again and I have been to check ups, got my teeth cleaned and, obviously, to the chiropractor!  He did ask why I waited so long to go?  DUH!  I only went because it was interferring with every aspect of my life now from working and gardening (OMG), to sewing (OMFG) and even reading and sleeping (lol)!  I had one night where my phone thingy sleep/health app said I only slept 1 hour and 12 minutes - and I had to work the next day.  Im no spring chicken and I need a bit more sleep than that to get through a day - just saying!  And I didn't go sooner because I still thought it was a greif and stress thing, not a real broken neck kind of thing, and also because I was imagining something much more horrible than a torn ligament (which is not great either I know but it ain't cancer or degenerative bone or ....) and I didn't want to deal with any more horrible than I already do all day! So once I'm through the treatment for this I will see if the headaches lessen - I hope I hope.

21st birthday fun!  There were some stories that night! Although sometimes I feel like he is looking right into my soul in this picture when I look at it.  Those eyes.

We have had some good things this year as well - the kids got their own place (Reed and Riley and OK that may or may not be a "good thing" for me- its a good thing for them though), we did some travelling and some fun stuff together (made some new stories) that we all actually remember!  I have been trying to post more of them than of the sad but I think its still out of whack - same as the rest of my life.  We still struggle to let the joy out - unsure if we are allowed to feel that at the same time as we have this unimaginable pain.

We went to Vegas and Riley went too!  She took this picture. Bowling - Rye loved bowling!  This one time in Wasilla, Uncle Tylers car caught on fire while we were bowling!  Stories....

We went to the shark exhibit at the Bellagio - it was amazing and such a great thing to do with family!  Reed and Riley in front of the walk through shark tunnel.

We got to have birthdays with both of the kids too - this is Reed presenting Riley with her new Purple Kayak that matches her new Purple Extra Tough Boots!  Stories.....

I went to a couple of weddings - those are still excruciating - and a few of Rye's friends have had children of their own - that is both another joy and sorrow.  I am so happy for the kids, really , truly, but it represents a second level of loss for us - grandchildren that we should have had, could have had, might have had.  Those loss reminders of who Rye would have been now, and what he would be doing, where he would go, and so on.  Missing him in every aspect of our lives, even the future.



Our family arent the only ones who have felt his great loss either.  I have made some new connections with people who only knew Rye (not Chad or I) and who have approached me when they found out I'm Rye's mom, to tell me how amazing he was in their lives and what a difference he made to them and still does.  One of his friends told me he was "the absolute nicest guy I ever met"!  He would give you whatever he had that you needed without a second thought and he apparently made many a Midnight Rescue Mission for friends, or friends of friends - stories.....



It has been made very clear that Rye was one of the "helper people" that you hear about sometimes.  I like to think he is still doing that from his place now in the universe, helping us get through.

I hope we never run out of stories for Rye and about Rye.  I hope you all make great memories with your families and tell the stories of lost loved ones with them.  Share those precious stories with them - even if you don't have pictures to go with them.  Blessed be x year three.  We march on towards four.

Blessed be in all things.

The Wonderful things that kids can do! A Houston School Garden post.

This has been an amazing year in the garden at the school!  With the coming together of the Middle and the High Schools into one big Community, we have been able to muster help from all age groups out to the garden this summer and get stuff done!  We have needed the extra hands this summer as I have torn a ligament in my neck so am needing to take easier days, and extra precaution to not further injure the darn thing!

We have had a couple of times this summer where13+ people showed up!  It was EPIC!

The McRoberts Clan (my cousin Alicia above) brought their whole family plus extras and they know how to work!

When the portable classrooms were brought to the school after the earthquake November 30th, it was the middle of winter and the contractors and staff had to get stuff done and get some walkways and stairs and porches built on the short!  So this summer they had to tear off some of that work so they could rearrange the portables and fit more in and so they could level them and make our evacuations more safe for us and the kids.

It ended up being a boon for the garden expansion plans as some of the materials they tore off they were not able to re-use for the portable project and instead of trashing them, they dropped them in the garden for us to use!

We were able to build 4 more raised beds, and we have the materials set aside for at least three more that will be 12" deep!

Above shows one of the new beds being put into position and the other filled and ready to go for next year!  We are hoping to get some good composted soil to do some soil amendment in the garden as well.  Stay tuned for that!

Watering has always been an issue in the garden as the hose bib is 400' away from the garden and it takes a special key to get the water turned on!  So we would fill any ole bin we could with water while we had the hose out so that others could water if they were on site and not have to have the water key.  It also has not been helpful that Alaska has had a real drought year this summer.  We have had temperatures in the 90's on multiple days in a row here in Big Lake, and we started working in the garden only until about 1:00 pm due to the heat and the danger for us and the kids!  We are not used to the heat and our plants arent either!

Buckets, bushels, and garbage cans work well to hold extra water for the project!  I was also bringing water from home in 5 gallon containers so that I didn't have to yard out that darn heavy 450' hose every time.  My neck couldn't take it!

Fortunately, we are blessed with some awesome community members who donated this gardening wetering system for us!  The Bredbergs donated it, brought it over and set it up for us IN the garden!  So there is no garden space now that is more than about 100' from the water source!

It is a gravity fed, no electric and no key required system!  It can hold upwards of 500 gallons of water, and we can have two hoses going at a time!  It is a work in progress and as of this writing we are waiting for some parts so we can use both sides, but one side is full and accessible for watering!  Such a relief! 

We had a garden full of wonders this year - 4 types of potato;  purple viking, daisy gold, magic myrna, and one other variety whose name escapes me right now - they are labelled in the garden however!

Above are the Magic Myrna's - they have a beautiful light purple flower on them!  

The strawberry patch did wonderfully at the beginning of the summer and we got a few quarts of berries.  Once the heat really kicked in and we went 44 days with no rain, and we weren't able to keep up watering everything everywhere they have tapered off.  We are still getting a few on the patch but we could really use a good rain!

Some of the folks weeding the potatoes above and below taking weeds to the exit pile - as in exit out of the garden!

Below - a couple of the football players who came with Mr Hughes to the garden party below, weeding some raspberry hills.

And yes....we have a nice old dog who comes too sometimes!

You can see above that we still have a bit of shade in the garden for this photo of most of the work crew for this day!  Temperature in Big Lake ended up being 98* that day - thankfully after we were done in the garden!

Above - our first little cucumber from the garden!  Even though the wind blew and the conditions were dry, dry, dry, this little plant produced!

Here are some cole crops with a tomato thrown in for good measure!  This is one of the raised beds that was built last year and we have a little bit of everything in it.  In our tires this year we have tomatoes and an assortment of herbs.

Here are our tiny squash plants!  We have one Grey Griller and one Zuchinni - Black Beauty here and since this picture was taken we have gotten one squash from each plant!  These are in an area that gets the heat all day and dries out really fast.  We have not been able to keep enough water on them this year, but its been better since the water system was added and we are hopeful that we will get some more produce off them!

We have some other tomatoes that are producing a ton of tomatoes on them - especially a Bush Early Girl that has about 10 pounds of tomatoes on it!  Stay tuned for pictures of those and for our great potato harvest coming soon!

I hope no matter what your temperature or how many hands you have joining you that you have a garden worth crowing about!

A better blueberry!

When I first started this blog, back in 2012, I told you about "A Childs Garden".  Reed's plants have grown up some now - especially the Honeyberry plants.  Sometimes called "Haskap" or even "Kamchatka Honeysuckle", these have just taken off this spring and produced more berries than we have seen in all the other years put together!  We have about 12 plants of various ages, but Reed's are the oldest at about 8 years old.  He got them from my dad at Snowfire Gardens when he first started working his own gardens here on our farm.

These are Reeds two bushes.  They make a beautiful addition to any yard and I could see them being used as a hedgerow even or a living fence!  You can also see that we have them growing right in the yard - among the lawn!  We take better care of the plants than we do the lawn obviously!  They dont seem to care about the soil, ours in this area is clay and gravel and I have added a little compost mulch over the years.  They do like to have water though - don't be stingy with that!

Above you can see the other two in this row behind Reeds two.  The ones in the back of the photo are younger plants than Reeds and we just moved them maybe three years ago to our site.  They are pretty easy care, just water and maybe some compost in the spring and fall.  I do take the grass and weeds out from underneath the bushes to make sure that there is good air circulation for the plant.  In the above photo you can see on the right a blue spruce tree - we have one on each side of the driveway so these honeyberry plants get a lot of water, as the hubby waters the Spruce trees to keep them healthy and waters the rest of the trees in the area with them.  Ours are also in ful sun for the most part and they don't seem to mind that even in the high heat that we just had - the berries did ripen early this year, but the plants are none the worse for the heat!

This is one branch of Honeyberries on one of the bushes!  See the green berries in among the blue?These berries are interesting - they produce three or four berries across the stem from one another and only two of them ripen at a time, so even if you pick all the ripe ones one day, you will have more ripe about three days later - depending on the weather!  You have to get the berries before the Robins and Junco birds do - they love these berries and they will sit around you and chirp (yell) at you the whole time you are picking!

This bush is one of the tall Honeyberry bushes.  The berries on the tall variety are more spread out and it is more of a "lean" bush.  Sort of like Jack Sprat and his wife style there are fat bushes and lean ones.  They all seem to produce well, no matter if tall or short, depending on the age of the bush.  The older the bush the better the production.

This is one of the bushes in the group that gets "tall".  Snowfire Gardens has berry "trees" that are about 20' tall!  I'm not sure Ill let them get that tall - or that the moose will!  I'm not tall enough for that and I may be a little too old for climbing - I already have to pick tomatoes with a ladder in the greenhouse!

The berries are easy freeze, and I freeze them for later uses.  Reed, Riley (the kids) and I will be having a "honeyberry jam session" at some point in the fall when we can get totgether and make it happen!  Honeyberry is at the top of the favorite list for Reedo - right behind Rose Petal Jelly!  See that post Here!  We will probably be making some of that again as well - we are almost out!  These berries are also great in muffins, syrup, pancakes, etc!  Where ever you would use a blueberry - you can use these!  And no swamp diving or driving to get them - or mountain climbing!

Easy clean in a colander!  Rinse with cold water and shake a few times to bring leaves and stems to the top.  One of my favorite things about this berry is how easy the are to pick "clean"  It's easy to not have any of the stems and leaves while you are picking them.  You can really see how oblong shaped this berry is in the above picture as well.

 

We ended up with about 40 cups of berries total from our 12 bushes (2 of them did not produce this year - moose damaged).  You can see in the above picture how different the colors of the berries are.  Some produce a dark blue berry, some a light blue, some are purple and some are royal colored!  Depends on the variety - such an adventure!

Honeyberry plants are easy to find it seems in all locations and Im sure you can find them locally - just right for your area!  If not Stark Brothers Nurserys have them to order online.

I hope your skies are just blue enough and the berries are bluer!

Blessed be and happy gardening!

A tenth of of degree from Hades..... Welcome to Alaska in summer

Alaska has seen record breaking temperatures this past week - enough so that we made the news in the lower 48 even - they didn't report the correct temps out there but they were close!  A cousin from Pennsylvania emailed to let us know we had made the news all the way out there!  94 in Big Lake.  That is the hottest I can remember it being here since we moved in 2005.  It hasn't been just one day either - we have had weeks of  hot, hot, hot!  There is no end in sight - forecast says at least one more week of these temperatures, and maybe hotter.  After that who knows - pray for rain for us!

I know it only says 91, but  - NO AC in my car!  I pulled into the shade at our house and took the pic before it hit the 94 mark!  TO me, at least it matters not if it is 91 or 94 - both are the same level of hell!

We had a fire break out across the lake from us last night at about 10:00 pm, and gave all of us a good scare!  Initial report said that it was started by a wood pile that spontaneously combusted!  We have been evacuated from our home for large fires twice over the past years and this is the second one that has started within a 1/2 mile of us in the last 3 years!  My "bug out" bag was packed last week because I knew that this might be an issue!  A "bug out" bag is a bag or box that you put all your "P's" into;  Important Papers (passports, wills, certificates,etc), Pills or medications, Pictures, Pet/livestock items - and dont forget the pets too - and people! 

Above you can see the helicopter over the smoke - this pilot had just taken a patient on a life flight from Galena who had been mauled by a bear and then came right out to help our firefighters find and fight this fire!  That is a military helicopter.  They are helping with all of our fires.  We cannot thank our firefighters and service members enough!  When he got low on fuel, another chopper came to relieve him.  It was a beautiful sight of the one helo peeling off toward the airport and the other beginning his work!  I wish I had got it on film but the dogs were barking, people were showing up in the yard and my phone was blowing up with all the offers of help and the check ins!

There are 113 fires burning in Alaska right now as well. Those did not make the "outside news" according to the cousin, however.  One was started by trailer chains dragging on the road and creating sparks, a few from cigarette butts, and one from an ATV that backfired and set the grass on fire.  Most of them have been pure carelessness.  People setting bonfires, and campfires.  At 90 degrees in Alaska you do not need a "warming fire".  Keeping in mind that my winter coat is literally a vest also- I have never been one to complain much about cold!  

Above - smoke from the "Montana Creek Fire" taken from Oilwell Road about 25 miles away from the fire.  I know it really looks like clouds but it is all smoke!  Photo credit Aimee Matteucci.

If you haven't seen the article yet - take a look at why Alaska feels hotter than the rest of the U.S. - its science!  Check it out HERE!  Our 75 degrees feels hotter!  We do not have air conditioning at our house - as a matter of fact I don't know anyone who does have it in their house. As I said earlier,  I don't even have it in my car currently - just needs recharged I'm sure but....that's how little we usually need it here!  Alaskans don't even know the rule that if the windows are down on the hot days, the person with the windows down has the right of way!  I learned that one in Arizona when it was 116 degrees!  If you have your windows down in that heat you have no AC!

So.....we have every window covered with sheets, curtains, and blankets to keep the heat out of the house and we have also made a little "swamp cooler" from a laundry rack, a fan, some towels, and I also added a "fish box" to fill with ice that doesn't show in the picture.  A fish box is a styrofoam box used for keeping fish frozen in shipping!  Fill it with ice, and put some ice on top of the wet towels and let the fan blow through it - ahhh nice cool air!

I have been doing the rain dances, and we have been watering here at Wicked Raven and at the school - almost daily at both places.  Trying to make sure it's wet in case of fire and wet to stay alive in the heat!  People, pets and plants!  My drillers are a little leery of drilling until we get some rain - not only does welding add to the heat of the day behind a drill rig that is pushing heat out, but it also makes sparkss of...yes fire!  Hoping to have some rain before we start drilling this week!

I hope wherever you are you have a lovely balance of sun and rain, and no fire unless you plan it!

Blessed be and stay cool!