Shine Not Burn - Luceo Non Uro - the 4th year

The Humphreys story is an interesting one.  The last name comes from the Viking/Norsk Hun-Frid meaning "Peaceful Bear". Generations of strong people thrown into some fray or another all throughout their history.  Stories of Clans and Crests, and Motto's and of living up to those.  Stories of exile and exit.  Stories of families, and maybe not family.  Love and loss.  It has been 4 years now since we lost you Rye, my heart is still broken - along with your dad and brothers, and the ancestors have been talking.

I know you have seen this picture before in my blog, but this time it is for a different purpose.  The tattoo on his arm is a Celtic cross with the initials of his family members in the top three points, and in the banner that swirls around it are the words "Luceo non Uro".  Shine not burn.  That is the Humphreys family motto - the second one actually.  Part of the alleged story of the ancestors is that the Humphreys fought alongside Robert the Bruce in Scotland (hence the Scottish spelling of Humphreys).  The family was granted land by The Bruce and had a crest and a motto "the true man loves his country".  A proud motto for a proud people.

Then came the wars and the turmoil and the betrayal.  Culloden, Falkirk, Bannockburn and on it went as though it would never end.  When the battles finally ended there were only three Humphreys men left and they were exiled from Scotland.  One is said to have gone to France, but the other two landed in Nova Scotia, and then on to Ohio and Pennsylvania.  

The reason for the change in the motto, and the crest, was the betrayal and exile and the loss.  Shine not burn.  Rye embraced that motto and really tried to live it.  I believe he still does now - shine.  Shine on all of us, and on others in the world.

We placed a memorial plaque for you this year at the Garden of Reflection in Wasilla.  I know you were there - you brought us lots of messages from you and signs that you were there!  

This Is How We Roll played on the Spotify on the way in the car, along with Mud on the Tires, and some of the other songs that let me know you were rollin' with me.

I took a wrong turn getting to the parking lot and when I was pulling back onto the road to make the correct turn there was our friend A.  The one I was so worried about and asked you to intervene with.  To go where only angels can go and whisper in the ear of a boy who couldn't hear the voices of those here on earth, crying for him.  He has been sober now for about a year and he looked wonderful.  He hugged me in the middle of the intersection, in a pandemic, and it was so good.

When I pulled into the parking lot at the garden, there were at least 40 dragonflies buzzing about, flitting among the cars and the trees and shrubs.  Noisy and almost vocal.  Singing a song from you.  Aunt Dee brought me a Dragonfly Wind Chime made from old spoons  - it was supposed to be for another time and didn't get to me until today.  Perfect.

And then there was this - the shoes.... You always wore Doc Martens just like this.  I got to the parking lot early and as I was leaning on the front of the car enjoying the beautiful sun, a group of teenagers came from the direction of the park and one young man yelled "Do you want some shoes?"  I did NOT know these kids!!!  I said "Why are you giving away shoes?  You arent trying to give me hot shoes are you?" and he said " I don't need them - they are size 11 (your size) and a guy just gave them to me for letting him use my phone!"  They are the exact kind of Doc's that you wore all the time!  There were always 10 darn pairs of shoes in the entryway and I was always yelling about the "Giant Shoes" in the doorway!  Serves me right - right?

We had quite a group of family there from both sides.  It took us about 8 tries to get a good picture of all of us - as per our usual picture taking routine!  Nana had her mouth open in some - me too - talking of course.  Aunt Chelle and Karen were adjusting their shades in others. Thank goodness for Dawn taking pictures for us!  I wore your Hurley shirt and I held my smile the whole time and didn't even have a meltdown.  Yes - I was surprised too!

The garden after everyone had gone.  It really is a beautiful place.  Peaceful and serene.  A place that you would love too.  I went back to see if I could see you there again.  So I could feel you there wrapping me up.  To breathe some more in a space where my heart could rest.  To hear the Dragonflies and the breeze - ever so light, and the waterfall.

We keep marching on.  Into another year.  Still wondering what happened and why, but mostly able to do the things we are supposed to do, most of the time, even without you still.  I don't want to think about starting the 5th year.  4 years seems like forever, yet short.  A milestone that no parent should ever have to reach, and here we are.  Reflecting on you, and marching.

Blessed be until we meet again sweet Bugman.

Shine On!

Love your people!