Dirty Thirty and How do I honor your day?

 30 years today at 8:34 pm you came into the world and blessed us with your light and love!  30 years.....

We were forever changed from the moment you made your entrance, 7 weeks early and looking around like you already knew where you were - and no crying!  I don't feel old enough to have had a 30 year old!  I think all parents feel that way though.

Today is not what I ever imagined it would be for your "dirty thirty" birthday.....not in a million years, much less thirty.  I had imagined a birthday that made the milestone look amazing - grandkids - at least one or two and you with a beautiful life in the making, maybe a house, definitely a car or a hockey dad van even.  Dead and gone was never in the pictures in my mind.

Rye, Zach, and Shelby at the Bowling Alley -Wasilla.  Why is Zach wearing a helmet?  No Idea!

I thought about what we would be doing for your birthday today if you were here with us?  What might that look like?  Would we be bowling?  Or would we recreate the Chepos birthday of you at 21 with family?

Always the "Rye Sign"  Not sure what that is on your head but that was a fun birthday!  It was the last one we got to have a outside party for I think - this was 21!  Milestone of them all!  Look how little the boys look - and they were still pretty little - this was 9 years ago.

This is 21 with your friends!  Remember that "mat shot"?  "Ugh - Woah"! This night is the creation of the only video I have of your voice and you are saying "Yeah!  You're an Asshole!"  I laugh and cry!

I have tried to "get better" about this and to do things that I think would honor you for your birthday.  It is so, so , so hard to find things that "honor you big", or that even honor you on what I feel is a level that you deserve on the big "milestone days" like thirtieth birthday.  Not sure why this is a milestone birthday , but it sure feels like it is to me!  I see other loss mothers doing big things in their childrens names.  I try - but I am not there yet.  We aren't supposed to "compare our greif" as loss mothers either but sometimes I do - Why are they able to do the "big" things that I am still struggling with?  I am still on "baby steps" right now - so that is what I will do.

This past weekend was Pond Hockey and your brother and friends played as usual.  I wanted to be there but had the darn barfer flu so had to stay home and look at pictures and videos sent by Reed and Key.  It was a great way to honor you I thought, and I so wished you had been here to play too - I know you were watching though!  The sun was beautiful and Reed and the boys were awesome as usual!

Today.....I am writing, and getting out some of the stuff in my head that is important and that I might forget if I don't.  I have started the book.....

I am burning the "Keep Fucking Going" candle with your middle finger in mind to make the rooms smell like delicious sugar cookies and you! So I will know by that smell that I can keep going even if just baby steps!

I very much miss the "birth minute kiss" that I used to have to chase you around and around to give you - it was part of the fun.  Sometimes I didnt catch you!

I went outside very early this morning and I got some pictures of the Aurora Borealis, it always reminds me of you "Look at the lights Mama! Look at the lights!"  It seems like you are saying hello on the coldest of nights and I feel like the lights are touching the earth where I stand.  I can dream...

This picture was taken by Keyona.  Mine always have my breath throught them, or I end up taking the camera down too fast before the thing adjusts to actually take the picture!  I got three pictures of the front of Dads truck! Ack!

These are my shots!  The lights were very beautiful and Im glad I got to be awake to see them even if I cant take an Aurora picture very well!  Always have that cloud - and Yes!  I cleaned off the camera lenses beforehand!  

I still see you everywhere - driving the jacked up trucks with the loud exhaust and the windows you can just barely see into.  Wearing the hardhat and Hi Viz vest/Hoodie walking away or working on a job site.... it always takes my breath away.  Still.  

I will continue to do the baby steps, and the background work, and be a "force for good" in the world as part of my honoring of the moment, 30 years ago today, when I became the best thing I will ever be I think.  A mother.  

Blessed be to all the Mothers who are trying to be "forces for good" on behalf of their Angel Children.  My heart hears your heart and we see you!