The silence of the wounded

Its been another few minutes since you heard from me, I know.  There are often times when I am overcome with all of the mundane activities of life and to sit down and feel my feelings - even about the dogs- is sometimes too much!  Even when Ike is naughty, and Brix runs away to Grammas house, and my kids are out doing all the things they are (really) supposed to be doing - real life stuff - I sometimes struggle to look up and look out at the world and understand my place in it. I (my whole family& friend group actually) also have had enough "real life" stuff to last me a lifetime I think.  The saying "The hits just keep on coming!" has been real for 2025.  Here's hoping the second half is better.....

 Loss mothers often go quiet on certain days of huge loss - others are loud and proud and trying to make theirs and their childrens voices heard.  The farther away from our loss it seems that the closer we try to hold our angels and our children who are here. The farther I have gotten from Rye's death date, the more it seems it takes me emotionally to keep my shit together on the daily when the holidays/special days are coming.  I end up exhausted all the time for a couple of weeks beforehand.

The first Sunday in May started with what is called "Bereaved Mothers Day" - who even thinks this stuff up?  Ugh -  Im not sure to be honest - what if?......its always a question.  As in, what if I had only one kid - would I want a separate Mothers Day since then I would just be a "bereaved Mother" and have that be a different day?  I hope that isn't how some moms have to do things.  Its very sad. This year Reedo had surgery about a week before all of the Mothers Day stuff started so that was also looming huge over me - all the "what if's" that could happen to him, and then he couldnt get around still....so - let's just say that it was a very emotional couple of weeks.  Thankfully, he will make a full recovery!  Check that box off the worry list! We also had some losses at work that were very emotional too.  More about that later.....maybe.

It has also not helped that our weather this "summer" has been terrible, torrential rain, wind and cold!  This day from the picture above was just about our only sunny day so far and I got a little burnt! Im too pasty to not build up to sun, but it sure felt good on the skin and for the soul!

There is still not a day that goes by that I dont think about Rye and Reed and Keyona and......all the kids whom I have ever been in charge of in the least amount of ways! Hearing about things like 9/11, police shootings, murders and car accidents, overdose, leukemia, even a freakin volcano that was supposed to blow earlier in the year those are all ways that can worry a mom.  I can't watch a lot of news now or I am underwater and treading for all I am worth! No, I have not made my kids do the Life360 and make sure I know at all times where they are;  a) that would overwhelm me with emotional stuff of the everyday things that I really dont need to know, b) They are grown ups and I cannot put them in that type of a bubble even if I want to and c) that would be so unfair to them tryng to make a life and do all the great things that they ARE supposed to do!  Without the Mom - peeking at every angle!  It really is what I want to do though....

And no.....I don't sit around waiting and wondering about all the worrisome things, but I also seem to now have some PTSD that causes me to worry about things that a lot of other people don't. Although I have seen the Life360 ad on lately where the Mom is singing a creepy song about all the ways that she worries could happen to her kid... I could totally relate.  So maybe I'm not alone in this crazy worry wart world that I sometimes live in!

One of my big things that I am really having to work on lately almost daily is "please see that I am in pain without me having to unleash it on everyone around me."  Without my having to scream it to the rooftops or really, the stars before those around me can see the huge burden that is carried by me and by loss mothers all of the time - even when we are having a good day.  We forget that people can't see that...they have no way to know.  Because it's there even we get out of bed and do all the things around that are to be done and that people expect us to do. Even when we are such impressive Badasses that no one can tell how much that we carry!

For now, I will keep marching....keep fucking going......keep finding a way, every day, to be the Badass!  I hope you will too!  You are important and you matter - (insert heart emoji here).

Blessed be and once again Badass Be! 

Naughty Ike and the ODD

 I think Ike has ODD - Oppositional Defiance Disorder!  I sometimes give it the Latin name "Ikeus Oppositeafolia"!  Meaning the Ike opposite flower!  My gardening friends might get that one - sorry if you arent one!  But..... ODD means that everything you ask of him - he does the opposite - with attitude!  Not just a little attitude - a lot of attitude!  And a large dose of Sass too!

This is "Sit"!  Ike weighs 170 pounds now - give or take pound - and if he doesnt want to do something, you aren't going to have it done!

This is "lets go!"

This sour look is "move over please?"

I would say that this is asking him to get his own spanking stick - remember when you were little and your mom made you do that?  Never bring a tiny twig - Ike understands this assignment but I never asked him to get a stick at all and I certainly wouldnt beat him with one!  I have no idea why he is getting this size of a log to try to play with!  Now we have logs all over the yard and he is about the only one who can lift them!  I gotta get the chainsaw and cut them in pieces when he is not home so I can clean it up!  Goddess forgive if you try to limb any trees - he will grab each and every one of them and spread them out all over!

Once again - "Move please!"

This is a favorite - Ike and his friend Yodas when they have been asked to "Go Home!"  Home would be in the background of the photo - in the opposite direction!

This would be "Lay Down!"  Brix totally understands this assignment - Ike not so much!  He is my baby who will do anything not to go to bed!  Including cry - once he does lay down - he cries to keep himself awake!

This would be "Sorry Mom!"  and I do think he was sincere - Brix definitely was mad with him - Brix was not the shoe eater!  If you missed it - Ike ate the custom painted dragonfly clogs that you see above Brix head - ate them so hard that thay are not repairable and they are one of a kind - irreplaceable!  Insert sad face emoji and read about it here!

And....... "Im not tired - you're tired!" He is half laying on the futon cushion that we all call "the nest" because when Reedo had a broken arm he mostly lived in the nest so we could keep an eye on him and make sure he had everything he needed and had help getting up and all the things!  It was years ago, but we never picked up the nest and now the dogs sleep and watch tv there.  Good times!

Then there is "Get Down!"  Neither one of them wanted to follow this direction- Brix often thinks that is his couch and he will not get down until Ike gets down and then only reluctantly!  IN reality, this is MY COUCH!  With Currently aboput 270 pounds of dog on it!  IM pretty sure Ike's head weighs 50 pounds by itself!  Its very much a workout to get them down from there - its a dog rodeo!  I have found the workout worth it though!

All in all - they are both just giant loves and even the one with ODD is lovable!   

I hope that you have dogs (pets) that love you and keep you moving even if they aren't always cooperating with you!  

Be Well and Blessed Be (even if you have a Naughty)!

Oh Yoga!

A couple months ago I had an opportunity to host one of my dear friends for a "practice" yoga session!  She has been working on getting her Yogi certificate ( I think thats what it is called).    She really is an amazing human and I also got to visit with one of my other favorite humans too - Toria!  

I have known these girls since they were just little mini's as Toria was a neighbor and went to school with Reedo.  Another neighbor and I took turns most of the school days being the "bus" drivers and she was one of the kids we took back and forth!  Our bus started out 2.5 miles away from our houses and Reed and Toria were kindergardners when we first moved here.  We later petitioned to get it closer.  It ended up being in her front yard and only half mile from our house! But.....I digress as usual!

Now, I'm a total Noob when it comes to most things Yoga, except for some basics I have done via DVD (yes that is still a thing at my house), that relatives got me long ago.  I have very few moves!

But, what I have done always made me feel better and my joints less stiff!

So - over to my house they came and we did a couple of classes and gave feedback and learned some of the moves and poses!  It was very fun and I felt better afterwards.  

And then....... fast forward a few months...... Tyra texted me that she was having her first class at the Big Lake Open Studio!  I said "I'll see you there!"  The open studio is a place that folks can rent the space for classes like our yoga, barre, and there have even been beading classes there!  Fun!

SO I toodled off to the class (I have my own mat and everything)!  It was wonderful and it was a great workout.  I still cant do all the moves with my new hip and my other old joints but what I can do helps a lot and even my FitBit thought I was getting a workout!

There were a total of 7 of us at this first class, but I think the class will be full from now on!  We were an excited group when we were done!

Sorry Jason! I had to show this one - becasue you are awesome at trying Yoga things and you kept us in it for the whole time!

When we were all done, we got to do the "corpse pose" which is hard for me becasue you just lay on your back and breathe and relax!  What???  I do not relax easily but after doing the whole session (it was an hour long), I really was ready for some lay on my back and relax!

Then......Namaste!  Thank the Universe with gratitude!

We have another session coming up this Saturday and next Saturday and hopefully more to come after that!  I look forward to the loosened joints and the relax-ability!

May you have someone in your life that teaches the Yoga and the Relax, and may you see the Universe reflected in your Gratitude!

Breathe, Be Grateful, and Blessed Be!

The Friends of the Dead- Birthday 32

Today you are 32.  I went to work today for the first year on your birthday since you have been gone.  I did good....everyone said so.  It was a hard day. It is always a hard day now.  I did remember when you and the Hammond boys played "Monkey in the Middle" and you got clocked on the head with a big rock and had to go get stitches.  You all told me that you fell in the ditch on the way home - but when we went past the spot where you said it happened - that story didnt play out.  I laughed hard about that today.

Why is your brother half cut out of this picture darn it!?  WTF!

You had so many friends here- so so many!  I still have people say to me "Man that guy had a lot of friends!"  You did and we have lots of people comment on how many friends Rye had and still has- My cousin still has kids (okay - grown men now) show up at their work and say "Rye said I should come see you if I ever needed ...." and he loves it that they remember him and remember you.  We all do.  It matters.  You have more friends on that side now too.  Uncle Jeff, Uncle Ron, a few others who I know are talking sports and biking with you - maybe some music too.

Each year that passes wthout you here always brings worry that we will be the only ones who will remember you.  Time slips past, and it feels like you get further and further away.....until you ring the doorbell at the school  so that we will go out and see the Geese, or change the radio station, or make some pictures fall out of the box on the desk so that we can SEE you.  I am glad of it especially on days like today that are hard for lots of reasons.

Memories of hockey days and all the friends you made there, friends who are still here and remember you with us - including all those guys in the back row checking out your cool hair and wishing they had it - yeah - I see you - forever with your game face on among the smiles - I see you.

You were a good friend I am told, and one special friend who called you "the giver" and said that you always knew when to call or touch base with them - like you knew they were struggling - and you made it better.  Some of those friends still check in with us on days like today and your leaving day, and sometimes randomly through the year too.  Still have all the love- and the memories.

And there will always be this - the "Rye Sign"!  Carried on through to the next generations who will remember you through us and through the friends.  

Amazingly - no one in this picture is giving the Rye Sign - even "the Giver"!  30 seconds later you all were!  This was birthday 21.  Sweet memories and look how young you all look!

I have decided that one of my reasons for being on the planet still is so that eventually everyone will be much more comfortable with the word "F^ck"!  Nana learned where the word came from finally this year.  2025.  She was able to laugh about it a little even - 

Pond hockey was this weekend and there were a lot of your friends there too - the "Rye Sign" lives as though it is the "Force"!

We marched through today, and we were even able to remember you with smiles and I only cried once and a little at work.  Eventually we will be able to really celebrate you and do things to honor you the way you deserve to be.  So I'm told...... eventually.....

I hope that your friends were all around to raise a glass of whatever stinky beer the Universe holds for you, and that you were able to see us today,thinking about you, cherishing the memories, and recognizing the friends who are still here to remember you with us.

Love and light my darling Angel - Im giving you the Rye Sign from here.

Blessed Be and Love your People

Practical Saturday Vibes and the gift that keeps on giving!

 I am procrastinating this morning - I really needed to get my oil changed today but - Ugh- its such a far drive and I have to put on clothes - especially that Bra - and this morning I just want to rest and read! Or sleep - which is likely until I get a little more home coffee on board!  

My Home Coffee wasn't actually terrible this morning - I work in a school with a Barista and Coffee Shop business training program so let me tell you - during the week - I get the good stuff!  Weekends I have to make my own.....hence "home coffee". Everyone knows that everything is better when someone else makes it right?! Totally!

So this is what I'm doing for a bit today - maybe most of the day!  This is one of the books I am reading currently - I say one because I read more than one book at a time again! I had been struggling with reading after Rye died because of the brain fog/grief fog that happens but, I got such a great Christmas gift from my nephew, Sean- we draw names each year for Christmas - cuts down on the cost and all the craziness of shopping for everyong and agonizing overif everyone will like everything!  Nephew drew me this year and he asked me what I would like - he's a dude and I'm an old lady and never the gifting twain shall meet unless they have a great clue for each other!

I had seen on the Facebook a little gift idea that is a 12 month calendar of books - one for every month - and it's like a blind date with a book every month!  If you don't know what a "Blind Date With a Book" is, check your local library.  Many of them have a display with books wrapped up and you can check the book out without ever knowing exactly what it is!  They usually have a description of some type on the front so you have an idea if you might enjoy it. You (in this case I) don't know what you are going to open for that month - a year long gift!

Here it is in all its majesty next to my "spot" on the couch at my Moms on Christmas!  Yes I opened the January book early!  I had to see it!

All lined up with the month they are for in a wonderful metal basket!

Nephew picked out all the books himself for me - His mom helped with the wrapping and the first book had a little "Happy New Year" note inside and the little HO HO HO tag - not sure who the HO is in this case but pretty sure that was an accidental name calling! LOL totally kidding!

Here is the January book!  Sean was sure that I would have read it already but....I have not!  I have read a lot of Hemmingways work (Old Mand and the Sea is a favorite), but I had not yet read this one - and so it has begun.   This is a multi layer gift for me as I am having to limit my book buying recently (I love a paper book but can't always get to the library either), so having a book on standby each month is going to help me greatly to keep to my budget.  This gift also has a surprise  each month - something to really look forward to each month, and also help keep me reading each month - reading something- because for me reading is relaxing and I need to make time for that too.

And.....when I've had as much "home coffee" as I should have each day - I switch to tea in a favorite cup that the kids got me on their Honeymoon in Hawaii.  Literally a cup of love!

May you have gifts that give you hope and love, and may you recognize when you need to rest as well!

Blessed New Year and Blessed Be!

Sunday Sister Check In

It's a New Year and Im not ready to publish the Christmas Survival Blog yet - it will come - later..... for now lets talk about New Year!

I am a planner!  Im not a "professional planner", like people that you hire or anything, but I am a planner none the less!  I have many lists - as I have shown you before - if you missed that blog you can see it HERE.  It's actually a self-care blog - you should read it again if you already did - its that time of year!

Each year I get a new "day planner" little spiral notebook that fits in my "Brown Book" that you can see here with a fun book mark that one of my kids - Rye made this particular one- for me for Christmas one year (think elementary age).  Its a favorite and yes Reedo - I kept all of them!  I have one from Reedo with Zoo animals and wolves on it as well as some bug ones!  I have about 10 in my brown book at any given time!

Last year I started what I call the "Sunday Sister Check In" with a couple of my women friends who I dont get to spend nearly enough time with but whom each "gets me" in their own special and supportive way!  It all started when one of them got me a daily calendar with quotes and questions and things that make you say "Hmmmmm???".  It hit me where I live, and I thought that more people need to have those quotes and questions and that it might be a fun way to connect -without having to take up a lot of any of our time but still get us conneted and  ready for the coming week!

This is today's check in- actually tonights check in - I have been sorely lacking in getting some of the things done that I need to do!  If you only knew what life was throwing at me right now - but most of you do if you are in Alaska!  Weather is terrible, rain, high wind, snow, ice.....and on it goes!  I fell yesterday and hit my head on the ice - cut my head a little, and have  giant goose egg but seemingly no concussion!  Pupils are reactive and even!  Just luckily I have a hard head!

SO  the new dream/goal choice was for the New Year and my goal I have set (one of them) as priority is to write at least 15 minutes a day - for real!  It's always been on my lists - but - ya know - life!  So Im checking in with my Sister friends (not all of them because - time) and Im getting some writing prompts going too!  The end result will happen as long as I do the everyday work = also for the New Year - in doing to work I will reach the goal - or that is the hope!

The Eleanor Roosevelt quote has always been one of my favorites - "you must do the thing you think you cannot do." This was a check in from last year at some point in time, and it was much more for me than for the Sisters I think.  There have been a lot of things lately that I have had to really work up the doing in order to do.  My mind wanders and I have actually started using the "Pomodoro method" to stay on track for a lot of things and office work.  You set a timer for 25 minutes, and then do the work - when the timer goes off you take a break or reset the timer if you are really "in the zone" at that moment.  It recommends that you only do about 50 minutes at a time and take walking breaks in between (get those steps in).  So far it has been a great way to stay focused and get some stuff done.  "Do the work".  I keep them in the "Brown Book" where my day planner lives and get them out every week as I need inspiration or when its time for a sister check in.  It is also a very "good thing" for all of us I think.

This is one that I didn't send as a check in but that made me stop and think and I have kept it all year.  The Wicked bookmark keeps the place and the quote says :You don't have to stare at the spot where you fell".  Noa Shaw

This is the quote that happend to fall on the Rye Angelversary this past year.  It always stops me in my tracks and I thought that it is appropo to trying to get through that date that generally does make me stop and stare at the spot where we all fell a little - my whole family - Now I only stare for a little while not all day.  Maybe this year I won't stare at all - but I probably will.  Ill still have this little reminder though to keep going and not say "wicked like its a bad thing"!

Check in with your people in this New Year - whatever that looks like - Don't stare at the spot where you fell for too long - and Love your People!

Blessed Be and Blessed New Year!