We did all that we could....

I have been reading pieces of "A Bed for my Heart" off and on for some time now.  I can't read all of it at once as it is so emotionally excruciating for me and brings so many memories and so many realities of my own situation that I have to do it in small pieces, every so often.

She is really good at posting on Facebook, but not so often that I have to stay off of Facebook for weeks at a time.  Sometimes I have to skip over her posts too - it just isn't always that kind of day for me.

Recently she posted a piece about the doctors and medical staff who work to save our children.  How they grieve with us, and how they never forget our children.  You can read it here.  The article talks about a cancer ward and how she felt when she treated and lost the first little cancer patient she had.  It reminded me of the Doctor and nurse who treated Rye in the Emergency Room and were not able to save him.

I will never forget the look on the Doctors face when he came in and saw me, saw that I knew why he was in the "quiet room", and when he clasped my hands and said, looking straight into my eyes "We did all that we could do."  I looked him back in the face and said "I know you did.

He seemed surprised by my reaction, and Im sure its because he usually sees mothers fall apart maybe right then, or scream and shout and hit him, or worse.  Maybe they blame him and the rest of the staff, I'm not sure, but that is not who I am.  I might have still been in shock.  Maybe.  I think it's more likely that my "mothers heart" knew.  I knew on the drive over to the emergency room, when Reed had said that he had done CPR for 15 minutes or more waiting for the ambulance, then the ambulance staff worked on him for another 15 minutes, and then the ER staff for at least another 30 minutes after we all were at the hospital.  So I knew when I saw that doctor come into the room that all hope was lost.  But my "mother heart" had known anyway.

There is another reason I knew.  My friend Kristen, who was also our school nurse at the time, worked in the ER on the weekends and she was there with the doctor, working her ass off to try to save my child.  She came into the room before the doctor did and we both looked at each other and said "Oh my God!"  She had hoped it wasn't really me, and wasn't really Rye - she had met him at the school just the week before he died, fooling around and filling out paperwork so he could sub on his weeks off from the slope.  She knew him and she knows me.

She told me at some point afterwards, (sorry it's a little bit of a blur - okay - a lot of a blur), that when she recognized Rye and knew he was mine that when the doctor wanted to "call it", that she had said " I know him and I know his mother" and the doctor said "Then we will keep trying".  And they did.  Until it had to be finished.  Until there were no more things to try and no more energy in the room to let them know that there was even a spark of him left there.  They had done all they could.

I cannot even imagine the every day that is their lives.  Working so hard to save a life, of someone they know or a stranger.  A child.  Someones child.  I have to deal with only one every day, all day for as long as I live.  I know the death of my son weighs still on their minds.  What could they have done differently?  Anything?  Why did a healthy, robust, active, in-shape, non-drug addicted 23 year old die on their table for no apparent reason at all.  It boggles my mind, as I know it does theirs.

I still can't easily go to the hospital.  I tried to have a mammogram there last year and I had to go throw up and go home.  I get them done at another place now.  Those smells, and sounds and sights put me right into a panic attack and I can't hardly go past the doors.  Our doctors and nurses have to go back every day.  Try to save another life.  Doing all that they can..... may they be blessed.

Its your Dream! Put it out there! Don't leave it on the bucket list!

 I have been a busy bee quilting and actually sold my first quilt pattern download on my ETSY store "WickedRavenDesigns" just the other day!  Check it out here!  It is an original design and one that I have worked on for a long time!  It is called "Twisted Star".  I was waiting until it was "perfect" before publishing and adding it to the store but a friend said to me - "why are you waiting?  Just do it!  You could die tomorrow and all of that time would be wasted and no one would ever get to enjoy it - including you!"  So I just did it!  It felt great!  I'm not going to get rich quilting - at least not any time soon - or maybe ever- but it is a great feeling to let the ideas flow and be creative, making something in my head take shape on paper or with fabric!  It gives me an outlet for some of my energy when I cant sleep or when I'm struggling with overwhelm or sadness.  Quilting still soothes me!

This is one of the colorways I used for the sample block.  This one actually went to the Copyright office - back when you had to actually send them physical samples (or at least way more than you do now)!  That is how long I have been working on this pattern and hesitantly making my way towards publishing!  

I have about 5 more designs in the works and I am slowly also getting them ready for market.  My biggest drawback is that math is not my strongest area of education so I am often stumped at the math in some of the pieces I want to use. 

Here is another two colorway using florals.  It makes for an interesting spin on the block.

Here is another colorway that I made a small quilt out of.  I was really happy with how the initial pattern made a secondary pattern (the ring in the middle).  So seeing all of these different options - I have put a lot of work into this and my friend was right - all that time would be wasted if I didn't put it out there!  It's not perfect - yet - but aren't we always a work in progress?  We are!

What's YOUR dream?  What is inside of you waiting for the moment when someone says "What are you waiting for?"  Put it out there!  Dream big, small or medium - there's room for all the dreams!

Just Begin.  Blessed Be!

A little Tea Time.....For Hockey!?!

We are all in this together.  Any one who knows me or has sometimes even heard about me knows that I spend a lot of time in the hockey arena.  Not just watching hockey, and not just my kids, or my family.  ALL the kids, and ALL the hockey, including our Big Lake Lions Rec Center, the Houston High Hockey team, and the comp/league teams locally- sometimes even not so local!  A LOT of being a hockey supporter is fundraising - fundraising for ice bills, gear for kids who cant afford it, and lately a lot of time for entire teams and our Rec Center that survived an earthquake (read about that here) and came out stronger and with more supporters! 

What does all of that have to do with Tea time you ask?

Everything my little ice bug, everything!

Right now in Big Lake Alaska, This - 

Is what we are dealing with!  

Nearly a "snowpocalypse" - completely devastating to lower 48 states, but in Alaska, just an annoyance because this -

 is what we are getting ready for!  The Alaska Pond Hockey Classic!  A great fundraisr for the Scotty Gomez Foundation (if you dont know who he is click on the name and check it out).  It's an annual event that is super fun and brings hockey and ice fans from all over the place!  Also will be a great fundraiser for the Houston High team - we are in charge of parking this year!  There has been a LOT of snow moved to prepare for this event!  

But in all reality - I am ready for this -

Tea party!  Outdoor Tea Party!  In the sun, with green stuff growing and blooming and, and, and....

Last summer (early fall actually), one of the local girls hockey teams (Raeley's - my neice) was needing to raise some funds to go to an out of state tournament and someone suggested that they have a "Tea Time for Stick Time".  (Stick time = ice time).  So they did!  I know you remember me writing about how important Tea Party is for everyone and in fact Ive written about it a few times!

One of the guest area displays above - complete with hockey skate turned vase!

Above is the menu's and an explanation of what was served at the Stick Time Tea Party!  It was a three course, high tea style tea party and the members of the girls team were the hostesses!  They were dressed up and they poured tea, and brought courses, and made it so fun!  I had favorites in each course, but if you ask me tomorrow they will be different - not a bad bite or sip in the whole lot!

The second "savories" course above and the "scones course" below, complete with clotted cream and jam.

One of the tea pots and a cup of tea below.  

There was a different tea pot and cup sets for each table, and everything was decorated beautifully!

Every girl loves a tea party!  Two of the young attendees wonderfully dressed to the nines!  Left young lady is my niece, and the other is a cousin!

You can see above that the sky was overcast but it was still warm and wonderful in the yard at Snowfire Gardens!  We sat with wonderful ladies and had fun visits and took pictures and toured the wonderful gardens.  And we had tea!

Above is our table - I am the one in the bright blue at the back.  Somehow my tea party hat (which actually has a delightful dragonfly on it) ended up looking like a "Jeff Corwin Special" from a distance!  More suited for "Curious George" than tea party it seems!  The other girls way out did me hat wise but it was fun and I did NOT wear tennis shoes - or "go fast shoes" as I call them.  My sandals matched my shirt! My skirt DID have pockets though - following my personal rule there still!! 

Above are the family members of mine who were at the party!  14 total!  Kim - my sister-in-law - in the front with the black apron is another uber hockey mom and the "team mom" at the time for this girls team!  Raeley is our girl on the team in the other black apron on the right. The team just won the Pacific District Championships and will go to New York in April to play in the National Championships!  Wish them luck and have a cuppa in salute!  And if you get a chance to - have a tea party with some hockey players - it might just be the most fun you've had in an ice age!

Blessed be!

The Third Birthday

I am marching this month of February.  I am living the new motto of our household.  We put our feet on the floor and we march.  Or sometimes we don't too.  It is the birthday month for our precious Rye.  This will be the third birthday without him.   It is a little bit ironic that the earthquake shook out pictures of Rye at age three and now this is our third birthday without him.   Hmmmm..... Universe provides.

I think these are also some of the very few pictures we have that Rye wasn't wearing some type of hockey insignia!  This is actually a football on his shirt!  Can you believe it?  Such a cute boy.

The whole month seems to scream his name, all day every day.   Each day brings some reminder of him.  Not that every day doesn't already but in February, the birthday month it seems to take on more significance.  It Is February.  That special month when my first born was born.  The month that MADE me a mother.

I try to make every day mean something, and make myself listen to each question asked and try not to say something wrong with each "How are you". I answer mostly "I am well" - meaning I am healthy, not that I am ok. I am not ok. It. Never. Ends. I try to be the supermom, super-wife, superwoman, super-secretary that everyone seems to want to see.  They want to SEE that I am ok.  They want to hear that all is well and sunshine and roses.  Yesterday my good thing was that I didn't drive into oncoming traffic.  I was pretty proud of that.  Didn't need pockets even! I know I'm not supposed to say that out loud or write it even!  There are a lot of things that loss mothers think and know and feel, but never say out loud or act upon.  All that the other people in the room know is that we showed up at work or wherever we were supposed to.  Maybe even on time!   I will continue to march through, just as I have done for three birthdays now.  Wearing these too small/too big/ill fitting, uncomfortable shoes and walking that mile that feels like ten every day.   What I really want to do is lay down and be still like a vegetable.  Lately I have mostly been eating my feelings!~  It's a real thing!  It lets you feel like you have filled that empty space for a few moments, and to keep the screaming from coming out, at least until you can retreat to the car and pretend you are listening to "screamo" music.  Trying to make it through my march to March - the second month that MADE me a mother!   The month that is still ok and when we will be able to truly "Celebrate" a birthday.  Someday maybe we will be able to celebrate Rye's birthday again, but not yet.  I don't know why this is white for the background - it won't let me change it!  Wtf?

I have been reading more lately. I find that I really need the quiet of reading in order to counteract the loud of everyday that is my screaming life.  One of the things I have been reading is "A Bed For My Heart" by Angela Miller.  She is also a loss mother and she "gets" me!  She "gets" us!  She has walked the one mile ten, in my shoes and carrying an angel child.  I cry every time I read any of her material - and you will too when you read it - this woman writes her pain the same as I do and tries to slay the demons that threaten to steal us away from this life with the tidal wave of pain engulfing our whole being.  Read one of my favorite essays by Angela Miller, "Let Me Tell You Who I Am Now".

Rye with Aunt Shannon and Chance

I also know why it is called "A Bed For My Heart".  I have talked before about being tired to my soul, and I still am.  My soul and my heart are tired all the time and it is exhausting to try to keep up the face that we put on every day.  To try to care about things that don't really matter, but because they matter so much to others we try really hard to relate, care and communicate.  Our hearts need a place to rest, and there is none to be found.

Some things (like silly issues that people think up to be mad about) make me laugh out loud for real, which is often surprising and inappropriate to the other people in the room, but if they knew what this loss felt like their issues would be so small, and they would laugh too at the silliness of it all.  In two years they won't even remember what they were salty about.  

I have also had to remind myself this month that "I am a nice lady", and being angry at stupid doesn't help any of us - including me!    Some of the kids have even heard me whisper "I am a nice lady"!  I'm sure it was weird for them, but it has to be said out loud sometimes.  The panic attacks have increased as well and I hate the parents who don't take care of or protect their kids.   

I miss Reed and Riley more this month also. They have moved into their own place.  Read about it HERE. It is hard not to call him and have him come home - so hard.  I remember when I was just moved into my own house, my mother calling me and asking "why don't you just come stay at home tonight?" and I replied "I AM home Mom!".  I learned that another mothers child had died, so my mother wanted me to be home safe and sound and where she could see me, talk to me, and hear me breathing.  I get it now Mom.  Sadly, I get it.

We three can sometimes smile, and the "bird" will probably make us laugh forever!  I am still a hesitant "bird flipper" for pictures, and Hubby didn't see the camera or he would have not been smiling or he would have turned away.  Thanks Riley for the great pictures!  Smiling!

I know February is the month of love, and of flowers and "junk" as the boys used to say - but at the school it is just Halloween on Hormones, (lots of crying), and for me it is just hard.  I will march on.

Blessed be.